absolution

the distance between
who you are and how you show up
/the measure of the mismatch
between your nature and your habits:
is the dis-ease you experience

rig your habits you adopt to your your deeper impulses
not the other way around

don’t toss off out of boredom
don’t eat without actual hunger
be tuned in
to the jolts of your embodied moments

____

they say that you attract not what you want
but what you are
but I don’t think it’s true,
no,
you don’t attract what you are,
rather, you attract what you do
and what you do is, in effect,
out of sync with what you are

that’s the ‘problem’ we call our life

polyphasic

be polyphasic

it’s okay to recoil & idle
and cocoon yourself in a private vacuum

to let yourself slide & get paralyzed in the gel of inertia
pinging about a bit in the echochamber your your head

and it’s okay to spiral out of poise too
away from your core

to be tossed about a bit
stimulated, distracted,
confronted & comforted

leading a polyphasic lifestyle is the smart thing to do

we need the gaps, the lulls
where we can catch ourselves
reflect and regain poise

and we need exposure too
where we expand
and gather the fodder for further growth

then again, it will happen anyway – with or without us
the cycle iterates itself whether we appreciate it or not
as with any situation:
the best way to handle it is taking ownership of it

inch by inch

be it authority, respect, status, open relationships, etc.
you have to pay your dues via exposure
to earn (a sense of) entitlement
to give yourself permission to feel at ease in claiming these

and understanding this won’t substitute for the actual process
no understanding substitutes for realization

knowledge quickens but never absolves you from
going through the thick of it

the toughest part is losing face from time to time
which is part of the deal
you have to weather short term losses
to make long term gains
but then:
“the pain is inevitable
suffering is optional”

enjoinment

what’s there to be shared
without it being generated first by some-self

if you chase your own tail long enough
others will feel “enjoined” to join in

a comedian, for instance, is in his funniest
when he is self-amused
for
without self-amusement
there is no shared amusement

the same way

people will have confidence & place trust in you
to the extent that you are self-reliant
(i.e. independent of their opinion & judgment)

visceral intuition

I had a shitty shifty sleep tonight..
that heavy meal before bed probably had a lot to do with it

I was gluttonuous again
and I got as a result what I deserve
which, in effect, is what I need (to align better)

in my mind this is what “you get what you give” means

growing older is the gradual awakening to this fact,
how every decision I make either sharpens or dulls my edge
shifts the place where I am coming from or where I am at

but no matter what
stew of trotters is gonna be irresistible for me forever

at any rate
load your gun with the bullets compatible with it

that’s the principle of alignment right there

information (culled from books, magz & the interwebs)
provides potent ammunition
or sets of potentally optimal options
but it is your body
your actual impulses & appetites
that gets you select the best pick out of those options
(regarding physical & mental health or skill acquisition, for ex)

the trick is to distinguish between your
dark & light appetites
and following the trail of the latter while resisting the former

the way I binarize the light [authentic] and dark [inauthentic] appetites (that assists me in all this) is basically in terms of:
distraction & addiction vs expression & response(-able action)

as a case in point:
when you feel like eating out of idleness or anxiety
instead of dealing with those states of mind “head on” or more constructively
you are acting out your dark appetite
to distract (and possibly addict as well) yourself
but when you eat because and WHEN you get hungry (not before, not later), when “nature calls you”
that’s your light appetite

this is the idea behind distinguishing craving from desire,
needing sg/sy from wanting sg/sy
etc.

yes,
it takes lots of tuning
and you cultivate your feel for it
by acting on the whole spectrum of your appetites
just cross your fingers you won’t run out of ammo
before your trials outnumber your errors 😉