you cannot get what you already have

every time that sneaky subconscious (performance-)anxiety seeps in and over-saturates
where I find myself in a state of rush, slowly turning hyper, shifting into a mode of chasing, seeking, wanting, becoming a moving target, trying to dodge some invisible bullet
as if to evade or mitigate some kind of tension,
a sense of guilt or shame or falling short, etc.
every time this happens
sooner or later
my consciousness addresses my ego along the following lines:

slow down
stop
let it come to you

and understand:

every point you score is an own-goal

because the more points you score
the more you become attached to an outcome

and the more you become attached to an outcome
the less poise/presence you have

and the less presence you have
the less of a chance you stand to score more points

now,
of course you are hung up on winning the game
of course you enjoy chasing your tail
of course you drive yourself “blind” and “lame” from time to time
of course
because it’s fun
it is (busy) being human
but then, come on
instead of constantly trying to get better at scoring
train yourself to relax,
to sit back and witness

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