My Addiction (Is) My Addition [fragments]

I live for recognitions, I am obsessed with seeing through things, I compulsively intellectualize and verbalize the insights I have about my experience; like basketball was once for MJ understanding, discernment, true wisdom (dare I say the Truth) is the lane that I am addicted to explore at the moment

perhaps as a way of compensating for my insecurity about being worthy (?)—without doubt, it must be a general sense of inadequacy that fuels obsession and compulsive behavior

Since quite a while now I have been deeply judgmental of (all) people while at the same time I have felt dull myself, confused, stuck and frustrated: emotionally, sexually, socially, existentially frustrated, and sort of convinced that I needed to convince somehow (subtly) everybody—paradoxically, by way of withdrawing—that I am one of the if not the most special and precious thing in their life they are missing out on, the fear of being missed out on has, in fact, been one of the biggest anxieties that has plagued me (=my mind) for a long time

I guess I have some abandonment issues that play into all of this: I want to be unseen or relate and connect only superficially to prevent being abandoned once again (for real), I want to be unseen or at least engage in a wishy-washy manner to protect myself from being rejected for what I am, and here is, in my view, the crux of the matter: I ’’want’’ to be unseen and that’s why I want so desperately to be seen

So I guess I also have some issues about being smothered too, which compels me to stay elusive and always out of reach, only partially available emotionally so others won’t take advantage and manipulate and guilt me into bonding with escalating sets of strings attached, in fact, this (i.e. feeling smothered) is the side of the equation I identify with the most

Now, the fulcrum on which this two-way doubled-up sentiment [distancing self from others and others from self] turns—namely the sense of separation—still eludes my heart to be honest, but intellectually or intuitively I already know that all the frustration I experience in connection with my self and others stems from this

Clearly, this is plain shadow-play of hide and seek, a sort of push-pull glitch wherein I think I need to prove my worth and earn people’s love by seeing and transcending it all while at the same time I resent and push people away for not seeing much themselves, although I pride myself on being a good listener and well attuned to the vibes of others basically I am impatient with (and disappointed in) people for having the very attitude I have and exercise in relation to them, I feel upset that they are more interested in being seen than seeing

a double edged sword love is one force with two sides, a conditional and an unconditional one, united by the hilt of my conflicted human heart

perhaps this blog itself is also but a manifestation of my agenda to convince and impress (as well as help) others with my intellectual acumen and spiritual prowess whereby the contents I produce showcase my wound and my shadow while, on the other hand, the form, the way I present these contents, showcase my love, indeed what I truly enjoy doing (without attachment) is articulating thoughts and tweaking my formulations until I find the most apposite phrase, I love expressing ideas, there is no hidden motive (to convince or help) there, it’s fun, pure and simple

no wonder it always feels so ambiguous then, on the one hand—seeking to get approval—I feed into the dark side while on the flip side—giving—I let light in, in other words, one side of my heart is based on anxiety—fear—the other on sensuality—love

((…hopefully these juxtaposed fragments—spiraling away as it were from a heartfelt center much like the fuzzy arms of a galaxy—still make some semblance of a cohering sense…nevertheless, there is one more thing I would like to add as qualification, it might seem unnecessary overrefinement but perhaps replacing all the subordinating or ‘causality’ language I use with a sort of coordinating or paratactic one—to emphasize correlation (simultaneity, ’’symptomaticity’’) over causation—would be much more accurate to convey the sense of fissure I am trying to describe here, so instead of {I do X in order to have Y} read: {as I do X there is Y as well}))

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