On the hook

As related in previous posts I play a lot with cuing a state of accountability via direct questions addressed to myself, now, here is a little insight that graced me during one of these episodes

On my stroll one day in the mild September sun I have found myself getting a bit anxious over the thought of starting work (teaching English) at a new place the next morning to which I also linked worries over my poor financial prospects at which point I realized, here we go again, I’ve got to stop myself in my tracks and turn schizoid on myself right away, right on the ledge of another slippery slope, so quickly I doubled up into me and ’’I’’
—Do I wish to invest more attention into these projections?—’’I’’ inquired,
my initial answer was silence, so ’’I’’ prodded myself:
—Do I wish to be transfixed by this image?
I still felt a reluctance to answer, so like a tongue returning to a loose tooth, ’’I’’ kept on prodding myself:
—You can say YES, say YES if you want
I still didn’t answer,
—You need not stick to your word either, just answer either way—’’I’’ continued, and after still not getting an answer ’’I’’ finally asked:
—Do you wish to be undisturbed by me?—and without missing a beat I replied:
—No! I want to be disturbed by you, I don’t want to be left off the hook, please do disturb me!
—OK then, do you wish to agonize over your projection?
At last I decided to offer a response, I felt cornered, I silently said:
—Not really…
—Okay—’’I’’ said—that will do it for now but next time try and give a more direct answer, give me a YES or NO.
I smiled,
I smiled and I also had an unexpected insight,
in that moment I recognized that all along I was acting much like a little child affecting reluctance to stay in the center of attention (even in relation to ’’me’’)

long story short, this is how I managed to catch a neat glimpse at defiant little Márk who, by the way, dropping his worry till the next morning managed to deliver on his word too. As for why would someone affect reluctance and passively demand prodding to stay attended to? the answer is fairly obvious, I think: so long as I refuse to commit I can hedge my bets and play it safe and stay in the fold, so to speak, but once I do commit I run the risk of failing or succeeding and being abandoned with my choice and the consequences of that choice

Yes, I do have too much time on my hands to spend in my head, but hey, at least I find diamonds in the rough—I think 😉


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