Synching up: a kind of retrospective of my life between ages 16-32

Syncing with the body or the practice of letting my body take over and render me headless

 

/This is my longest post to date in which I look at and connect some strands and trends in my life up until this point, right before turning 33. The common thread that’s running through this retrospective is the story of getting lost and confused within the reverberant echo-chamber of my head and finding my way out through relaxing more and more into my bodily impulses/

 

Recently I’ve made a huge discovery which is less a discovery than a remembering, I think. Listening to lots of Adyashanti tapes in the last couple of months has definitely played a big role in accelerating all this…

 

Meditation comes to me—I find. What’s more, it’s stalking me and slowly creeping over me, spontaneously and stealthily, it’s gradually overwhelming me. Nowadays, I find myself feel compelled to sit down and let my bodily stirs take over, to become headless as it were. I especially like to do it outside somewhere in the sun with my eyes closed and attending aurally (to the surrounding sounds) first. By easing into a grounded state of stillness where I am more cognizant of the subtle stirs in/of and around my body I know I am onto something essential.

 

My stretching and mobility routines evolved in a similar fashion, actually. I’d been dabbling in yoga for quite a while before I gained any inklings about what type of stretching actually work for me. For years, I was doing headstands and other top-intense postures but totally out of sync with my body. No wonder I barely ever felt revitalized by it. I was stretching everything I thought would benefit me without regard for what my body actually required. In fact, it’s been only around a year ago that I started to attune to its actual needs—which is literally working my way from the bottom up. I remember one sunny day in the garden accidentally discovering (by rotating my hips while leaning my torso in different angles) a tight muscle in the right side of my lower back, which presented me with a clue to follow. Ever since that discovery I’ve been conscious of aligning from the body rather than the head, by simply bringing more attention to my sensations. As a result, I have also recognized how intricately things hang together in my body. My fallen arches and popping knees, my lopsided gait as well as my slightly protruding gut and buttocks had all been related and kinetically linked. My abdominal muscles have played a key role in bringing my crotch out of its dysfunctional sunkenness, so to speak, to which functional training (with kettlebells, barbells, clubbells and foam rollers), Scott Sonnon style mobility drills and a short run in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu contributed a lot (by helping me develop significantly stronger core strength).

In short, discovering and corrective stretching against non-negligible musculo-skeletal asymmetries (neuromuscular traumas) that I have acquired/nurtured since a long time ago has also stealthily taken over me—I find.

 

So this is my huge discovery. Healing processes converge and con-spiral in the context of awareness. All it takes is noticing. Such a nobrainer—literally. I notice something and then I follow its lead. For a very long time I’ve been doing just the opposite: trying to do things from the neck up, from the head (hooked on fancy tips and ideas) out of sync with my body, disregarding its actual needs, impulses and appetites.

 

 

Now, if you are interested, here follows a short overview of other areas this has taken place in my life:

 

 

Growing up, I turned out to be quite a heady persona which was aggravated by the vague and subconscious but more and more intense confusion I felt as I was drifting away from the idyllic site of my childhood. Secondary school, university, working as a language teacher, PhD studies, moving to the capital, losing my girlfriend, living and working with people from all walks of life—with every new stage it felt like I was putting my life on a stronger and stronger hold, I was kind of suspending everything, subconsciously, waiting, in essence, for my past in some form to return in the future. I’ve pulled away from people in the present to prepare for those in the future who I think truly belonged in my life (like the people in my past I felt did).

 

Over these drifting years—spent in the spirit of disorientation—I have developed and resolved (as well as aggravated already present, probably congenital) mental & health challenges: a sluggish liver and sluggish bowel movement, migraine headaches, facial skin problems, low libido, a milder case of social anxiety/paranoia, excessive introspection & intellectualism, etc. In tandem with these failing conditions the more and more intense confusion that I was subconsciously experiencing drove me to clutch an ever tighter conceptual grasp on things, which, in fact, only (re)generated that confusion. In my 20s I became a truly head-heavy fellow. (Certainly, there is some basic susceptibility behind all of this. Things typically tend to come to a head with me. Unchecked tension and poorly managed stress bubbles up into my head and presses against my whole being from the top down as it were.)

 

A couple of years in PhD studies (literary theory) nicely complemented my heady escalation. I became an avid reader of literary theory, philosophy and cognitive science. I wanted to solve an Aesthetics puzzle that was growing in scope by the day. In essence, the same symptom has surfaced as in my teaching career I wrote about here, namely that I couldn’t just do it like a professional: impersonally. For me it had to be about the Truth. And part of the Truth, of course, was that I was conflicted inside as a person. So I was trying and trying but to no avail. I amassed an impressive but rather sketchy overview of intellectual history in my head, and even though in the back of my (hanxious) mind I knew that I could never cobble together the Truth from tesserae of theories and fancy ideas, I had no clue how much I was actually spinning in endless circles. To be honest, though, I really enjoyed most of the stuff I’ve read during these years, some of them truly fascinated my eager mind, but I had to give up the whole PhD thing because I was just plain lazy to put in the work in the end.

 

Falling in love and trauma-bonding with a girl didn’t help matters either. As a matter of fact the majority of my ailments arose within the context of our relationship. For 8 years we have been silently suffering from feeling smothered (her) and abandoned (me) respectively and when finally she broke up with me (on the wings of a new romance) I finally reached a tipping point. Since that pivotal moment the light has been seeping through the cracks, to wax poetic, ever more intensely and my body began to stir under the debris of my fragmented ego.

 

During the recovery I still got lost in the head a lot, of course. There were short-lived flare-ups of love-sickness with other girls and—to complement one extreme with another—short and rather innocent episodes of pick up artistry (gaming) as well. Slowly and with the help of online mentors I managed to come to my senses regarding intimacy and relationships, though. As a matter of fact what I’ve learnt from people like Owen Cook, Alan Roger Currie, David Deida, Alex Allman and Roosh V. were things that I already knew in my heart of hearts, but I may never have summoned the courage to take ownership of them were it not for these men. In a way these people empowered me by going against the grain of their ego themselves. In short, what they taught me to cultivate was transparency (to my heart-felt impulses).

 

/Incidentally, looking back I can see how tight a game I actually had before learning about game. That’s how I managed to ’’get’’ my girlfriend in the first place: I was just perseverant (and turned on I guess) like never before. I was all in—win or lose—and her months-long resistance just buckled under my zealous but seemingly cool-headed advances. After the break-up when I learnt about game through a random YouTube recommendation of one of Owen’s videos, I started experimenting with manipulating girls by exaggerating my confidence and cockiness (which, given my profession as a teacher, wasn’t that hard to pull off). Frankly, it was quite intoxicating because usually it really did work, and though I never went all the way, I managed to create many leads and witness how much girls tend to fall for certain vibes. But then I noticed that I actually became gimmicky and contracted in the manner in which I engaged women. I was putting on an act really (—now, just imagine the type of relationship that would come of putting on an act to get it going: luckily I skipped that phase). In fact, looking back I can see now that most of the girls liked me despite my game and not because of it. Before my gaming period the romantic flare-ups, in fact, were all due to girls being drawn to my simple, innocent and naive naturalness. But there the problem typically was that I felt an obligation to reciprocate and I practically forced/hypnotized myself into things I didn’t actually want. What game helped me with was to come to my senses and see and exercise the courage to own what I truly want and drop what I don’t. [Ironically too, I finally saw (in retrospect) how many girls actually did want to get involved with me over the last decade while I was busy convincing myself that I was unlucky with them. I ignored all their indirect invitations and passively rejected all of them only because I was afraid of the unforeseeable repercussions.] At any rate, I think I have come full circle now: I have come out of my head enough to see romance for what it is.

It is what it is.

Not more.

Not less.

So come what may, I don’t care any more: Transparency trumps all. ;)/

 

Another front where I got dragged down an endless rabbit hole was diet. Again, I came upon some exciting notions on YouTube (via Sean Croxton and his channel UndergroundWellness) which gave me some ideas as to what to try to help my girlfriend who was experiencing eating problems at the time (shortly after we moved in together). Indeed, her stomach was a perfect barometer of the level of anxiety we were marinating in. So besides eliminating gluten and sugar and vegetable oils I introduced her to the idea of the GAPS diet (Natascha Campbell) which soon was tempered with the less restrictive palette of the PHD diet (Paul Jaminet). We did it together hoping that soon she would feel better but what actually happened was quite unexpected. Her condition worsened to the point where she had to be referred to a facility to recover while my condition improved a great deal. My migraines were gone and I literally felt as if a fog has lifted off from my brain. Naturally, I got zealous again—right around the time I lost interest in my academic pursuits—and I started supplementing and seeking superfoods. I got a second-wind, so to say. Finding information online about health and nutrition became a newfound obsession and in tandem with the nutrition stuff I also bought into the whole lifestyle spiel. So, I was on track once again, trying to find the best information out there in order to upgrade myself on all fronts: nutritional, social, sexual, financial, etc. I even fell for that bulletproof hype for a while, subscribing to their quarterly box as well when I could barely afford such unnecessary luxury.

 

I think all of this low-key frenzy really culminated when my girlfriend came back to her senses in that facility she spent almost half a year and resolved to break up with me in January 2013. My head just couldn’t take it any longer. Something cracked. And that’s when the light started seeping through.

 

In retrospect it’s rather conspicuous how I tend to lend my focus and energy to certain projects and get fixated on them until they fail to yield the completion or the sense of coming home I was secretly hoping for. There has been a sequence of boom-bust cycles being iterated with less and less intensity from around age 16. Today, at least, I feel in between. My center of gravity has descended to somewhere between my head and my gut.

 

I’m still watching what I eat but less strictly. Inspired, for instance, by Ray Peat’s perceptive tips (eat for heat) I gave up some practices that didn’t seem to work: I stopped intermittent fasting and avoiding sugar. On the spiritual front too I’ve also gained crucial anxiety-resolving insights, nevertheless I still try to solve interpersonal glitches from the place of a self in control. As a matter of fact, my obsession with the Truth (á la Adyashanti) is the latest incarnation of the boom-phase and in a way it has been the governing obsession underlying all the others, I think. The difference is that now I know and own it. I’m in it but not consumed by it: I’m somewhere in between. Whether there is a beyond to this in-between stage I don’t know and I don’t care that much either, to be honest. Right now, this is where I’m at. And that is all that matters.

 

 

The way I see it: Our body has so much more to say than we’re willing to give it credit. All problems arise once we start executing ideas we entertain in our (socially conditioned) mind rather than relax into the truth of the moment and follow its lead as it ripples through our whole being, top to bottom. To live a (mindful) life worth living we must (re)learn to speak the language of the stars that the body speaks.

 

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Self-deconstruction 101

A-side:

I is having the sulks. I is paralyzed by the fear of being rejected again. I is afraid of change, of loss, of the impermanence of life. I wants resolution, transcendence. I wants to finally come home. I wants to (re)solve and transcend the messiness of life. I wants guarantees. I wants to be special. I wants to get it right, to live my life in the right way with the right people at the right time in the right place at the right pace. Therefore, I needs to improve constantly to become more and more aligned and functional and sexy and happy and adjusted.

 

B-side:

It’s all happening on its own accord—with or without me. Everything is but an echo. There is life as it blooms in this moment and there is the echoes in my mind that cloud it. There is no escaping the messiness of it. There is no right or wrong here. There is only this moment as it is—with or without me.

 

D-side:

Might as well choose to have some good times.

 

More Adyashanti quotes

Emotional wounds & repressed emotions

Even though you are awake form it, it’s still there in the body & the mind, and if you understand the dynamics of it, it can be very helpful. The dynamics of it are actually very simple. The dynamic of it is when we—at any age whether we’re adults or children—experience something that is so difficult for us that we cannot stay fully conscious to it. The moment we go (in any way) unconscious to what’s happening—which doesn’t mean you don’t feel it, it just means you can’t stay totally present—that emotion, that feeling gets locked into your physicality. Whatever you were not able to stay present for, it’s locked into your physicality. We call it trauma.

We don’t actually repress anything. We put a top on one emotion but—the energy—you can’t actually stop it. It just bleeds and arises in a more tolerable form. So, if we’ve been taught or we’ve assumed that we were not allowed to be angry, then maybe instead of being angry—since you can’t actually suppress anger—you can just transmute its energy into something you deem more appropriate, like possibly cataclysmic depression. It’s not OK for me to be very angry but it’s OK to be really depressed. It’s not that you think these things consciously but unconsciously we’ll always transform an emotion into something that is more acceptable to us.

 

Meing and Being

Coming into form shocks consciousness into identification with its own creation. All suffering is a matter of ignorance, an innocent misunderstanding: I am this form.

The thread that runs all along through it is that sense of dissatisfaction, the sense that goes: Something is not quite right. It’s that sense when you are very young and look around: it just seems like everybody knows who they are but you. You don’t have it together like everybody else seems to have it together. What you don’t realize is that none of them have it together either and they’re wondering the same thing you’re wondering but nobody is talking to each other about it. That little thread of dissatisfaction is actually the thread of the truth. That little memory at the back of our consciousness that’s saying: This isn’t you, you’re faking it, you are playing the part and you know it.

 

The irony of it

How ironic. I tell others how important it is to keep track of our actions and reactions (or wobbles) in all our interactions so that we learn more about ourselves and others and that way achieve a true(r) communion. And then I think about all the invitations I’ve turned down over the years. I think of all the opportunities I’ve shot down, all the openings to engage others on more intimate terms that I’ve turned away from. When I ask myself why, the idea that comes up is freedom. Keeping my freedom and privacy as much uncontaminated as possible—that seems to be the crux of my shtick. Ironic, I think. More than probably it’s the very attempt to keep my freedom that generates the sense of it being under threat and as a result the bulk of my wobbles. Admittedly, I invest lots of energy to buffer and maintain a distance because without it, without keeping solid personal boundaries I feel suffocated.
Suffocated by what?—you probably ask. Aren’t you suffocated by your own buffering?
To which I would answer that I feel suffocated by the emotional demands imposed upon me.
What emotional demands?
That I must reciprocate even at the expense of my own genuine impulses.
What ’genuine’ impulses?
Impulses the don’t necessarily mesh with what others need from me.
Is that really such a huge problem?—you retort—Do things have to be perfect? And more importantly, aren’t you fixated on your ’’wobbles’’ precisely because you wish to avoid or somehow resolve them in the first place?
Clearly, I make a huge deal out of inter-actions. Perhaps because (like all of us) I trained myself to believe (from an early age) that it’s a serious game with serious consequences which means that once I go in I’ll lose (most of) my freedom to be and live as I please—at least, based on what I’ve experienced so far. This prospect feels quite frightening to me. Hence the fixation. Somewhere there is a fear of failure buried in all this I guess, which implies that I buy into the idea of success as well: the idea that I can do it the right way with the right people at the right time, etc.—the perfect recipe for paralysis, isn’t it. If there is the right way then there is the wrong way too which I can only avoid by making sure that I find the right way which, of course, doesn’t exist outside wishful thinking. There are only different ways which I deem right or wrong on the go.
So this is it, I think: I’m terrified of the constantly shape-shifting field of life in which I’m just your next blade of grass. There is nothing that stays. Everything strays.
So why not do it anyway then? If there is nothing to lose, if there’s nothing that matters after all, why not go in all the way? How elegant—you taunt—to deal with impermanence & separation you resort to shutting down. If you can’t get it all you don’t want any of it then! Classic case of having the sulks.
True, instead of freedom all I manage to keep is a distance, a sense of separateness and anxiety about impermanence—the source of all my (inter)personal issues. When I talk about the importance of transparency (to self (first) and (then) others) it’s because I’m struggling with it. I want resolution, an escape from incompleteness. I want to figure out & transcend the messiness of it. At bottom, I just want to be someone special.
Ironic.
In posts like this, all I’m basically doing is broadcasting my personal process. What I talk about is only relevant to me, but at least, those of me who resonate may benefit too. By speaking out, I give reassurance, I validate parts of our madness.

From an abstract distance, it seems that each one of us is involved in some kind of a loop, an existential loop of our own making, a reality tunnel (as they say) that makes total sense (to us) on the inside but not so much (to the others) on the outside. Everything that is true is real but not everything that is real is true.

on Adyashanti

When I think about the story of Adyashanti I see a man who was so fervently bent on transcending his (personal) limitations that the only way for him to survive was to die alive by totally caving in, turning inside-out as it were. Without his personal shell being crushed the energy-tilt couldn’t have balanced out in him and his physical shell would have crumbled too. It was a game of all or nothing for him. His fierce competitive nature got transfused into a way of being [a self-sustaining loop, a reality-tunnel] that was driven by the ultimate: the Truth. Good for him. Good for us.

Mindfulness scrambles mindless patterns

’’I’’ caught my self driving myself into a loop of self-pity again the other night and in that very instant I snapped right out of it—noticing the subtle pull of it yanked me out of the (emotional) pattern’s gravity well. To be more precise: what I actually noticed was my indulgence in wallowing and once I saw it, I started laughing with a tinge of embarrassment. Incidentally, I also realized that this particular emotional loop arises whenever I start idling (when for whatever reason I feel that, say, the cosmic wind vacates my day-to-day sails). I think idleness has a way of triggering an autoimmune-style attack against the self—turning its energy against itself—which is a double-edged thing: we either lose it or we use it.