Make no mistake: your ego is pimping you. Your ego is running the show. Ramming it up routinely doggy style from behind, for ill intents and purposes. Because you are still its whimpering little bitch. You are a pussy, a wuss. You opt for being weak & spineless rather than face the music. You choose to be a victim instead. You choose to be dominated and abused. You choose to be an object.
The ego seeps in through the tiniest of cracks much the same way as clingy people grope for purchase relentlessly: the slightest phoniness you grant them spurs them to latch on even tighter. But you know it’s exactly as it’s meant to happen. You know it’s the way it’s supposed to unfold.
Right after a pleasant night of stillness full of insights and more clarity and seeing the ego returns (with a vengeance) boosted, flooding you after that emotional ebb-tide. You feel overwhelmed by an agenda to capitalize on the „spiritual progress” you’ve just made. You want to show it to the world. You want to articulate & share it with the world. You want to assume & prove it to the world. You take it all personally again—all of which neatly ties into the fact that the stress-hormone cortisol and adrenaline soar the highest typically after the long dark, nutrient-deprived hours of the night in the morning.
So, you find yourself (indulging in) battling yourself by diligently attempting to snap out of the good old emotional bondage you feel coiling up around your heart—checking in with the Truth: the silent, sheer immediacy of the depthless room enveloping you—but then, you are already riding the slick fat cock of your ego and it feels pleasant and warm and familiar and immensely validating. You feel a bit conflicted but you open up yourself wide because you want to be taken again.—So you can forsake the darker impersonal side of the abysmal Truth engulfing ’’you.” So you can continue the struggle instead, the emotional see-saw and the compulsive mentalizing, the roller-coaster of frustrations and fulfillment, the intellectual yo-yo, the soothing (cortisol-relieving) spin of your personal wheel—whatever floats your boat. Just to get lost in the confines of a loop against the Vacuum.—So you can feel the pain of emotional strain take over again. So you can suffer… the costs of being someone… special… about to be seen… for real… at last…
If you feel confused, don’t worry. Confusion is exactly where it’s at. Confusion is what keeps you (becoming) awake. We are all drawn to things that distract & lull us asleep so that we get to abdicate our responsibility of being Self-reliant & true. We want to be somebody. We want certainty and we want guarantees. We want to be taken, titillated and entertained. We want to strive, transcend our frustrations and be redeemed. We want approval and we want to feel validated and seen. It’s a human thing. It’s natural. We feel separate. We feel disconnected. We want orientation and we want some measure of control. We want the struggle. We need to be somebody. But reality is flat. It’s the sheer immediacy of this abysmally empty moment. Reality is meaningless. It simply is this moment. All of it. Take a look…
Where do you think you fit into that picture?
If you feel confused, don’t worry. Take another look.
Don’t look at that little ticker-tape thing in your head and continue to try to get it to be totally unconditioned. Forget it. The problem isn’t that that little thing in your head is conditioned. That’s not the problem. The problem is that you believe it, that you think it’s true, and worst of all, you may think it’s you. That’s the only problem at all. Once you wake up from that dream, it no longer has hold of you. You’re no longer looking through that conditioned mind, you’re not perceiving through its delusions. It’s something that exists within you, you no longer exist within it.
The truth of our being has no center. The truth of us isn’t the center. It isn’t that place that’s interpreting each and every moment, each and every experience. That’s the false self. That’s what we think we are.
Does it feel good to have the center fall apart? Of course, it does. Until the center tries to put itself back together. Then it doesn’t feel so good. But then the center puts itself back together only to say:
—Jeez, that was really nice when I wasn’t here.
It’s a catch 22, isn’t it. The wheel of samsara.
—I like it but I want to be here to reflect upon how good it is. What good is happiness to me if I am not here to reflect on how happy I am.
Happiness happens but it’s not relevant. But to the center it’s always relevant. The center is always reflecting: How do I feel? What do I know? How do I do it? Am I getting there? Am I not getting there? Where am I in all this?
The center is always trying to locate itself.
Instead of feeling we’re simply hearing (in our mind) what others are saying.
Reality doesn’t ’’care’’ about your belief structure.
We think that freedom is the fulfillment of our belief structure, but true freedom is the freedom from our belief structure.
We suffer under this horrendous dream that: My experience of things is how they are. That’s probably one of the greatest trance state of human beings. The way I see things is the way they actually are. It’s one of the most difficult things for a human being to break out of.
The worst thing that can possibly happen to anybody is that they believe a thought. It’s as bad as it gets.