Taking Stock #

Knowing what I know about stress metabolism & starvation induced hormonal imbalance the childhood memories of regularly preying on (parts of) the sandwiches of my classmates at primary and secondary school and shouting sometimes at my parents at home in the summer before lunch or dinner (what occasionally my mother still fondly repeats to this day): Do you want me to starve to death?—all these things are seen in quite a different light now. In retrospect, I can see how (mostly subconscioulsy and perhaps genetically biased) I’ve often felt overwhelmed and threatened by hunger—which, I guess, explains why I tend to be so compulsively gluttonous (not unlike my father) where the given presence of certain foods drives me to eat in (anxiety-driven) excess of my digestive capacity instead of being drawn to certain foods according to the given demands of my appetite. Now I also understand, incidentally, why I was so fascinated by the fact that my cousin never felt inclined at all to eat up all the goodies they usually stored in their lavishly stocked pantry. When I was attending university my eating habits were extremely poor. For fear of burdening my parents’ humble budget I asked for minimal money to cover my costs and I didn’t take on any jobs either, which resulted in me barely eating anything besides the cheapest of rolls and sometimes the left-overs from my friends’ meals. Looking back, it’s clear that I was practically starving myself (with the worst type of starches and fats at that), all of which, furthermore, was complemented by the intense (emotional) stresses of clueless intellectual and romantic pursuits.

Long story short, for decades I was busy setting up a degenerative, catabolic metabolism—because we inherit and learn lots of distinguishing beliefs at home and lots of fancy data in school but are totally left in the dark regarding basic stuff like body awareness, (mindless) mindfulness, the nature of energetic systems and stress. Today, after a couple of years of seeking and tweaking the perfect diet, I feel resolved to relax into the truth of my appetite, no longer hiding from my symptoms. There is nothing to (re)solve here but everything to relish. Abundance abounds.

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