Spiritual Porno

The ego seeps in through the tiniest of cracks much the same way as clingy people grope for purchase relentlessly: the slightest phoniness you grant them spurs them to latch on even tighter. But you know it’s exactly as it’s meant to happen. You know it’s the way it’s supposed to unfold.

Right after a pleasant night of stillness full of insights and more clarity and seeing the ego returns (with a vengeance) boosted, flooding you after that emotional ebb-tide. You feel overwhelmed by an agenda to capitalize on the „spiritual progress” you’ve just made. You want to show it to the world. You want to articulate & share it with the world. You want to assume & prove it to the world. You take it all personally again—all of which neatly ties into the fact that the stress-hormone cortisol and adrenaline soar the highest typically after the long dark, nutrient-deprived hours of the night in the morning.

So, you find yourself (indulging in) battling yourself by diligently attempting to snap out of the good old emotional bondage you feel coiling up around your heart—checking in with the Truth: the silent, sheer immediacy of the depthless room enveloping you—but then, you are already riding the slick fat cock of your ego and it feels pleasant and warm and familiar and immensely validating. You feel a bit conflicted but you open up yourself wide because you want to be taken again.—So you can forsake the darker impersonal side of the abysmal Truth engulfing ’’you.” So you can continue the struggle instead, the emotional see-saw and the compulsive mentalizing, the roller-coaster of frustrations and fulfillment, the intellectual yo-yo, the soothing (cortisol-relieving) spin of your personal wheel—whatever floats your boat. Just to get lost in the confines of a loop against the Vacuum.—So you can feel the pain of emotional strain take over again. So you can suffer… the costs of being someonespecial… about to be seen… for real… at last…

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