I T i S W H a T i T i S [A brief & personal account of one of my recent internal battles]

Whatever STATE arises stay the SPACE around and in front of it. Relax and relish what unfolds. Nothing is personal.

Recently I experienced some discomfort for over a week in the form of a cough-inducing itchiness in my throat (especially around 8pm in the evenings), sluggishness (in the afternoons), feeling in general as if I was about to fall ill. My system was undergoing a February defragmentation of sorts, I guess. The immune system was busy with some bugs that’s for sure. And it all generated a mild but compounding tension in me over the days because no matter the measures I took to tilt the bio-chemical battle inside in favor of my immune system I seemed to be stuck in a convalescing limbo, and what made the whole travail even worse was the high sexual arousal that accompanied it. In fact, once I couldn’t contain it any longer and I ended up busting a big fat one that contributed to an intensification of the itchiness in my throat.

At any rate, when I finally accepted that I won’t escape this energetic slump simply by taking some aspirin and ginger candies and whatnot and I can’t get away from it by distracting myself long enough with my projects I decided to relax and relish the STATE I’ve found myself in. One night I sat down to inquire.

As usual I started out with the opener:—What’s here?

First, I tuned into and described to myself the STATE I felt enmeshed in (in terms of somatic ’textures’ and sensations) by scanning my body, and then I drifted into feeling into the ways my mind was involved in all this. Essentially, I began tracing the subliminal meanings that, in effect, established the emotional tension that was ratcheting up over the days. In what follows I’ll attempt and shortly dramatize the situation to give you an idea:

Basically, there were 2 voices (one of them to a lesser & the other to greater degree streaming from the ego) rippling & mingling as I was sitting still. One of them was, say, the reassuring type the other the more bitchy, insidious one—which, incidentally, came out pretty slowly and incrementally but at the end proved to be quite noisy as well as nasty.

The Reassuring one was the first one to comment:

It is what it is. It’s OK. I don’t mind. If I fall ill it’s OK. No big deal. I won’t fall behind because of this. It is what it is. Etc.

To which the Bitch whispered back:

—It’s OK but I think it could have been avoided.

Reass reacted sharply and rather abstractly (in the language of high-minded spiritualese):

—Who gives a fuck. WHO GIVES A FUCK?! I don’t care. I DON’T GIVE A FLYING DUCK. Whatever happens, happens. There is no mistakes made. There is no right or wrong way. There is only this moment and that’s the truth. No discomfort can take away the truth. No thought can take away the truth. The only thing I can ever lose is a purchase on my fictitious self-image. In fact, I need the itchy throat. I need the battle. I need the sickness. I need the truth.

After some such back and forth [in essence, about being a frail human vs. a superhuman] Bitch finally turned into Butch and launched its de-finitive attack:

—But I have to be healthy. Otherwise I lose the GAINS [mental, spiritual, physical gains] that I’ve made. If I relapse I lose all the GAINS that I have worked on so much to make. Sickness is not OK. Sickness is a relapse in the PROGRESS. Don’t you understand?! A collapse means that I have to start all over again. I was getting CLOSER but I/’you’ messed up. Now, I have to re-cover the lost GAINS again. I could have avoided it but you fucked up. Had you been more careful, you could have easily prevented this. Again, we lose more TIME with this. We will arrive ’THERE’ much later. You shouldn’t have jerked off either. You shouldn’t have taken your hormonal imbalance so personally. You are SLOPPY, you cause harm. You let down yourself & you let down OTHERS. YOU SHOULD PAY MORE ATTENTION AND NOT ABUSE THE INVESTMENTS OTHERS PUT IN YOU. SHAME ON YOU. YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY. YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF. FUCK YOU YOU STUPID DUMB LOSER FUCK. Etc., etc.


What can I say? Yet another instant when the [progress-obsessed aspect of the] ego was drawn into the open and once again seen for its nonsense. I simply let it be and embarrass itself in front of me/itself. Of course, this whole schizoid dialogue wasn’t so clean cut as it’s presented here but this is the essence of what rippled through ’me’ during that sit. Admittedly, this is very personal stuff but I don’t mind sharing it because I’m sure in some form you can relate.

On a side-tangent: I’d like to also share that for some reason I have this recurring thought that these anxiety-provoking voices that routinely haunt my psyche in (emotionally overwhelming) situations like this are actually inherited in a way. In point of fact, my ancestors were peasants on both sides of my family who by necessity were rather frugal and privation-minded people so to say. It’s not that hard, in my view, to hear some potential echoes from the energy field they emotionally inhabited still reverberating in my life today. Also, both my grandfathers were heavy alcoholics and I can easily imagine that the voices haunting them were very similar in kind to the ones I tend to get tormented by [in my intellectual, romantic, spiritual, health-related pursuits]. Read back what I just wrote above and think of people struggling with the specter of scarcity. Now we have to start all over again because you pissed it all away you dumb fuck. All that hard effort is wasted because you couldn’t control yourself, because you are just too weak. You are just a burden and nothing but a source of misery and pain for all of us. We all suffer because of you. We suffer FROM you. Etc. The contents may change but the theme is the same. And it may very well extend way beyond the ancestral confines of the family tree. But then, God only knows… and it doesn’t matter, anyway. What matters is what’s here now. Always. What’s here?

Remember: Whatever STATE arises stay the SPACE around and in front of it. Relax and relish what unfolds. Nothing is personal.


One thought on “I T i S W H a T i T i S [A brief & personal account of one of my recent internal battles]

  1. Pingback: Psychosonar | D e c o n s t i p a t i o n

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