Writing (these posts) is one of the last threads by which I hang on to the promise of some semblance of purchase and control over my life.
Typically, what I write about is a few steps ahead of the actual visceral realization of the things & insights I write about. In effect, these posts are nothing but ’advanced’ reports on the process of my surrender. I know that I don’t talk from the Truth—an ’I’ could never do that—rather, I merely report in advance out of a compulsion of sorts. So, in a way my writings are partly a symptom of my anxiety to get a purchase on things via the articulation of them.
Also, I can sense that I’m losing interest in this restless & relentless self-deconstruction and the energy is draining from my obsessive verbal grasping. I feel that perhaps a hiatus is about to ensue which later will probably be followed by a comeback of sorts where I reengage the whole thing out of sheer joy, just for its own sake rather than as a way of taking ownership of and claiming ’the process’ for my self. At least, this is my sense of it at the moment.
Also, I think, this is the natural cycle of things in general: First there is effort and tension, an anxiety to what we feel compelled to do—the mimetic closure; then comes the disappearance, the total abandonment, the elimination phase, the rest—the hermetic closure; and finally there is the return, the joy of participation for participation’s sake—the hormetic closure. Unfortunately, most of us get stuck at the first stage; methinks.
I don’t know, part of me thinks this post is utter nonsense, though. Lol. At any rate…