Breaking Up

The dissolution of my [sense of separate] self involves the dissolution of the image I’ve been cherishing about a perfect little ’unencumbered, relatively carefree and symptom-free, independent, humble life one day’ as well. But until it’s dissolved the I must go with what gives, headaches and duties and all. Until then, it must use all emotional and physical pain as an aid to navigate the process of the dissolution. And understand that: Self-pity and melancholy will sneak in at every turn to alleviate this pain, to distract ’me’ from the fact of no ’me’ [that is to be protected and promoted and that is to earn that ’unencumbered, relatively carefree and symptom-free, independent, humble life one day’] and by the same token let ’me’ off the hook once again. Similarly to denial & emotional resistance the function of indulgence (in the bittersweet molasses of blue moods) is to act as kind of an anesthetic and to reset (the idea of) ’me’ anew, repeatedly. Until I feel utterly exhausted of the buffering, that is. Until this drawn-out love affair I haves with my lonesome melancholic self comes to an absolute dead end, and the intuition that I must break up with its sorry little ass, much like my ex did in the bitter end, turns into an actual, concrete realization. Until my body has had to break down (more than) enough times for ’me’ to finally build up the resolve to break up with meself, at long last, for good. Etc.

 

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