Care

We unconsciously seek for it in each other.

I must learn to (psychologically) break up with others from the outset so that I get to meet them for real during our relationship. Fact is, the way I feel emotionally abused by others is one of the ways in which I emotionally abuse others. Indeed, I gets what I gives.

Because we unconsciously seek for it in others.

The instant I feel met by someone I tend to abdicate the truth and give in to the restless impulse, the compulsion to idealize that other and to start demanding from them to fit into the mold, the image that I project about them. I get excited, I begin to fixate. I grow attached as I energetically invest. And I anxiously expect to be taken (in) by the other who I idealize. I dive into the project of securing the perfect host, the womb where I can dwell [against emptiness].

Because I cannot take the idea of alone forever. I wants to be taken. I wants to be held.

Again, it’s a choice between Image/Dream and Truth.

I still hesitate to go with it but I can feel how my spirit intends to secretly love and support, to listen and guide and oversee the life of my people, the faces I’ve faced and have grown so fond of so far.

And so I kind of pray.

Let me let go of them, of her, of me. Let me give up the jig, the scheming. Let me be free of them and let them be free of me. Let me be empty.

Let me see it.

Let this vessel—this aperture, this light, wiry body, this odd amalgam of patterns, this particular cocktail of neuroses, this splendid fountain of thoughts and feelings, this unique flair & style of being—serve by opening now, here, for all.

Because I am here to take care, not merely to partake. I am here to smuggle in the light of consciousness under the guise of my daily activities, at work, at home, and everywhere in the neighbourhood. This is why I go solo and this is why I need plenty of time to rest and to recover. As delicate as I am I am intent on going within so I get to bring some of what I receive back to you out there. I buffer so that I can serve you to the best of my ability. I need to go in before I can go out and engage in a meaningful, productive way. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, sometimes only an hour or so. This is my gift.

And so I pray.

Help me so I can help you.

Support me so I get to support you.

We need each other.

Because we find it in ourselves, together.

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Play Ball

Overt or covert, think of all conflicts in terms of an image, the image of passing a ball—like a seething, scathing (wrecking) ball of bitter resentment that she swings at you at full tilt expecting you to contract and try and somehow deflect its stinging impact—that she shoots to retaliate and some way redress the hurt your ease triggers in her bitter, uneasy persona. Now, instead of deflecting or quickly passing her hot potato back in recoil you simply ’’collect’’ her ball of fit in the cup of your hand and hand it back to her—taking her personal attack impersonal: Why do you still work here if there is so much emotional pain built up in you?—you ask. This surely will raise more of her ire and result in an even more vicious attack but, again, you catch her ball of fury gently in your hand and hand it back for her to (be)hold. And you keep doing this until she resolves to drop it altogether. Have fun, my friend. Cultivate the tai-chi of Creactiveness until you reach the master level of UU (Usually Unfazed).

Covert Conflicts

If you contract around someone you automatically get involved, you congeal into a role, a pole in reaction to the other person’s role as the opposite, counter pole. You are in reaction. The quickest way out of the scheme of this ill-bred predicament is to let the truth claim your heart on the spot and proceed to share your overall intent [to lighten up] with this particular individual too, to project love onto them behind their back. Now, unbeknownst to them, you set the super-frame that defines the game you two play—which is the game of the open heart.

Conscience

People manipulate each other emotionally because they are terrified, and they are terrified because they are identified with their brittle little bitter ego and feel compelled to defer their pain by blaming, guilting and shaming the other. And it goes both ways: The trigger-happy are quick to click the bait—only those ego-identified can be emotionally abused. The way out is opening into it, right into the fear, the sheer terror, of ’it.’ So long as your intent is pure—to lighten up and to see, efficiency & transparency, the truth—they have nothing against you. Nothing. If your overall frame towards others is: I am here for you. If you have something real to give to the world, I am here to see and appreciate it, otherwise I am blind to you—your conscience is clear.

Aperture

When you engage outside the pattern of collective neurosis you risk rapport constantly as you trick them into forgetting and surrendering themselves out of the safety of the familiar personal form before they remember to flip out and squirm and resort to try and guilt and shame you into assuming proper character or a relatable role on the neurotic terms of ego and so you get triggered and you spew fuckoff yall smallminded mo fos inside I wont play by no rules of yours I wont play no victim shit I wont engage no power hour no manipulation no emotional chess no drama whatso ever I wont budge to the pull of no expectation I wont play no part NO FUCKEN PART wont abandon the truth for noonessake for crissakes wont take your crap on wont take it serious wont take it personal and I wont be responsible I wont harbour no false conscience fuckoffyall closedminded controlfreaks all you uptight frustrated troll bitches fuckoff yall narcissistic insecure pussies am ready to lose face, respect, rapport and touch, am ready to mess up, to let down, to abandon and be abandoned, am ready to be mocked, dissed and ridiculed, I ain’t nobody for anybody any longer FUCK YOU is all I got to say to you FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCKTHEFUCK YOUALL is all I get to say as on the tailend it frays and fizzles out and the aperture widens and what trickles is love nevertheless instead the love that shines with no flinch and no wince an open pupil that dilates the love that pulls all in and through out, irresistible, real, for real

Impressions

There is a fundamental difference between sharing things about you with others as a gesture of opening with them and neurotically shutting down and stealthily bombarding the other (about the special exploits of your special character) in order to hook them in.

Paradox of Care

The people you (choose to) value the most for whatever (personal) reason you tend to abuse the most. Preferential treatment implies an ego at work. You naturally feel compelled to manipulate in some manner the ones you value so that you can ground your sense of (special) self in and through them. You need them to act a certain way for you to feel then a certain way. It’s a natural consequence of fixation—and a nasty habit to have.