Being caught up in the self-improvement loop is better than indulging self-destructive alternatives. Still, you’re fundamentally operating from restlessness—wherein: Rather than letting the truest impulses find you, you are busy rushing things. Your mind compels you to bulletproof and forcefeed:
your ’’brain’’ with knowledge and information
your ’’persona’’ with newsletters, updates & feeds on social
your muscles and tendons with (over)corrective stretches and excessive exercise
your ’’gut’’ with supplements and supposedly nutritious foods
your ’’soul’’ with spiritual teachings
All too busy deferring and buffering against the very wholeness that you seek.
Other people are hell only so long as you keep chasing and being haunted by the phantoms that they trigger in you. The slightest sense of guilt or shame or anxiety signals the fact that you’ve resorted to indulge fantasy. The moment you cease buying into your thoughts and your emotions your struggle with others ends too.
Rather than getting lost in the grip of self-grasping: Self-massage during bad moods. Sit with it and wait until you can give voice to your emotional pain and once there is a voice to it just let is speak & then make fun of it, by gradually amplifying the phoney, whiny tone of it.
Do you like it when somebody is trying to impress you in order to please you—either in order to avoid you or in order to hook you so they then get to cling on to you? I don’t think so. You’d prefer them to be totally present and open with you, to feel felt, to feel seen and truly touched by them, to vibe with no strings attached—to engage for real. Unconditionally. Right? What’s with the social anxiety then? Vibe on my friend. As if there was no tomorrow. As if you were nobody (special to psychologically reckon with).
The people you (choose to) value the most for whatever (personal) reason you tend to abuse the most. Preferential treatment implies an ego at work. You naturally feel compelled to manipulate in some manner the ones you value so that you can ground your sense of (special) self in and through them. You need them to act a certain way for you to feel then a certain way. It’s a natural consequence of fixation—and a nasty habit to have.
Are you the type of person who has the knack of intuiting what sort of empowering thoughts people may need to hear, entertain and spell out [for themselves] at the moment but is way too anxious to patiently take the time and help them find their own way to (verbally and emotionally) reassure themselves, and proceeds instead to steal their thunder and blurt out a piece of wisdom and validating confirmation before their own attempts at formulating and accessing an insight [that your mere unswerving presence, in effect, would grant them time & space for]—all in order that they then associate and attribute their sense of elation with you? I know I am. I want to feel indispensable. Yet another abusive, ego-serving tactic at work.