There is always the choice between going with the TRUTH or HOLDING BACK (aka feeding into the fearful ego). When a girl arouses you and you feel like engaging her but hold back instead (to maintain your cool and not risk losing face while hoping for her to initiate) you deny the TRUTH and more importantly you refuse to GIVE her BACK the GIFT that she is giving you by her arousing presence in that moment. Her presence triggers a SPARK in you that can be shared (instead of trying to keep your ego spared). Of course, it’s not necessary at all to do so especially when yo ain’t single, but that can be your truest gift to her: giving back the spark that SHE triggers in you by telling her how she makes you feel (inside and out)—no agenda, no pressure, no demands, no strings attached. Embodying the jolt of the moment. Aligning with the truth and sharing it. She will either appreciate it or she will react out of her own fearful ego and reject or even try and humiliate you. Both ways are OK since it is the truth that she responds to. Nothing is ever personal. If there is a SPARK it is your privilege as a man to initiate engaging her and it is her privilege as a woman to either receive or reject your truthful thrust. For this you must keep your poise and be grounded in your gut, engaging her from the truth of the moment—steering clear of the images the scheming ego automatically starts projecting. If she resorts to playing games with you she is doing so out of frustration over your failing to stay true to her and the truth of the moment. Simple as that. Now go and harass her ass. See where it goes…
Years ago my first girlfriend broke up with me after 8 years of mutual subdued suffering
It was a typical trauma-bonding type of relationship. I remember when I first saw her in the door of a bus on the way to our university town, I was struck as if by lighting. After a few iterations of the same jolt of an experience around the university I couldn’t hold back any longer and I approached her cold one day. I was as lame as it gets and she didn’t receive me well at all—cornering her on the corridor: May I come over here?—but I approached her anyway the next time when I saw her sitting in front of a computer in the library—tapping her on her shoulder: Hello, it’s me again—and I proceeded to accompany her to the main building of the university and ask her about the wooden cross she wore tightly around her neck, I also asked about a lunch sometime. We met for lunch a couple of days later, she ate poppy-seed pasta I ate rice with fish (it was very dry) and then it went on and off for months during which time we exchanged scarves, messages on notice boards as well as numerous e-mail messages and it was driving me crazy. She had a boyfriend at the time and was conflicted about what to do. I was love-sick to my bones, unable to sleep or eat or socialize with friends. The suffering eased up a little but never really ended even after we became a couple after half a year of nerve-racking courtship. Somehow I never felt secure within the fold of our affection. There was an undercurrent of anxiety cooking us both all along.
8 years in: one gloomy winter night in the kitchen of our first flat we rented together we had a spat and at one point I suggested her moving out for a change to which she retorted by agreeing in honest.
In that instant I felt a fission, I felt as if our bubble has doubled up and suddenly a sense of unity collapsed into a distance, a gap, I felt separated, severed. In my opinion, I (re)experienced the trauma of separation and simultaneously a rebirth as well in that moment. Although I felt crushed and devastated, I also felt elated and liberated in that moment, it was a weird amalgam of an emotion. I could barely believe that this has happened to me, of course, my ego (sense of identity) cracked open and I was in immense pain in the ensuing months. It was a rebirth.
/Which explains, incidentally, why I wasn’t able to sleep—waking up with mysterious heart palpitations in the middle of the night—for weeks before that moment, the energy flow was already ’’broken’’—which just goes on to prove too how much we are energetically impacted unawares by the emotional attachments we form and hold on to/
Our relationship was a form of suffering the same way as a chronic disease is that intermittently surfaces in the form of physical symptoms but for the most part lies dormant, latent beneath the ups and downs of the comings and goings of the day. As a couple we never managed to transcend and evolve beyond this disease.
It took years for me to let her go, to not take what happened personally any more but see it for what it actually was: trauma-bound chemistry that—running its runaway course—has totally fizzled out (long before the actual end). Together we couldn’t make it through, it had to come to an end. I didn’t connect to her much in our relationship because I wasn’t there myself much either. And that’s just the way it is: the level of a relationship we (are able to) enact with someone else is directly proportional to the level of clarity and transparency we have scaled about ourselves
Clearly, I had been in love with an idea, an idealized image of her, not her. She appealed to me in her physical form primarily—stricken at first sight (till the last one in fact)—and no matter how much aspects I grew to like about her, at its core the relationship was based on a dynamics fueled by anxiety.
What more can I say? I dodged a bullet. Bless her heart.
The dynamics between me and her was dysfunctional because it was based on anxiety. I was trying to prove myself to her, to convince her that I was worthy of being loved. I was seeking approval from the get-go which (through the law of attraction) planted the seeds of inevitable rejection down the line. The context of all this was a general confusion about my direction in life. I felt ungrounded and unclear about my self, my place in the world. I was idling without a purpose at a university and her appearance filled in the gap neatly. With a subdued but all the more fierce intensity I latched onto her as the source of meaning in/of my life. I think, I also wanted her to replace my mother who provided direction (=grounding) in my childhood. She, of course, was suffocated and smothered by my abusive, idealizing adoration. Sex wasn’t that hot, either. Without direction/groundedness there is no passion in a man and without passion there is no good sex.
So long as we linger in the limbo of confusion, victimhood and reluctance we attract a reality that is crumbling around us all the time.
And I know all this because she left my sorry ass, bless her heart.
seduction is a dance of suction and resistance,
a subtle form of relating in the truth of a polarized moment
it is subtle because it is risqué
let’s study how the serpent games Eve, for instance
it all starts off with an indirect opener:
He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
to which she-gullible lass that she is-responds in earnest:
“We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”
at this critical moment the serpent stays cool,
pushing no agenda, simply offering something that sounds exciting:
“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
BANG! the serpent penetrates
here we have the scheme for a neat cold approach sequence with the frame of offering (adventure & new experience) which SHE is welcome to take or leave:
1 spot her (NOTICE something relevant about/to her)
2 obey the jolt of the impulse: INITIATE
3 WITNESS the ripples (her resistance, your wobbles): do not eject, lean back, relax
4 move things forward: PROPOSE the next thing
& of course have an ATTACH NO STRINGS mindset from the get-go
SHE will fall for charms because SHE cannot resist,
because SHE is CHAOS
and that’s how the loop of life enacts itself
CHAOS impregnates ORDER and ORDER impregnates CHAOS
you either do the thing you are thinking about
you think about the thing you want to be doing
these are the options
you either do it or you think about doing it
as simple as that
you either maintain a self-image in the now
living in reaction
or compound your power for the future
getting shit done
understand the why of the what you decide to do
if you decide to cold approach people, for instance,
understand your rationale for doing so
knowing where you are actually coming from
makes a huge difference
a solid frame provides enabling space
/I am approaching you because for some reason I am drawn to you,
I don’t want to get or take anything from you, you owe me nothing in return,
there is no agenda and no strings attached, you are free to shoo me away or diss me:
all I want is to bask a little in your radiance or I intend, say, to appreciate what you have to give/
if you state that your rationale (for doing cold approaches) is ultimately to grow:
understand why exactly do you want to expand and open to higher complexities experientially?
is it because you want to participate and that way to contribute?
why exactly do you want to “contribute?”
are your reasons really that lofty you presume them to be
or something simpler maybe:
something more along the line of wanting to enjoy yourself?
to cross and catch fleeting glimpses into different trajectories?
to feel light? alright? or titillated?
whatever comes up don’t judge it
don’t take it personally
just like you roll on balls to release fascial adhesions
beat your taut & reclacitrant ego to a tender pulp on a daily basis
and breathe through it
put yourself on the line
relax into your deepest impulse in the moment
and go all the way, ready to fall on your “face”
every single instance of resistance
is a test of your resolve
respect your triggers
leverage you recoil
“The minute you choose to do what you really want to do,
it’s a different kind of life” – Buckminster Fuller
by cold-approaching others and initiating something
it is you who sets the terms of the dynamics
unfolding between the two of you
whenever you let yourself be approached
and taken along or “hired” by someone else
you basically let yourself be bullied by yourself
into a compliance to external sets of criteria
falling out of sync with yourself
stop bullying yourself
and allowing/inviting others smear their bullshit all over you
start exercising the muscle of courage
tighten your personal boundary
trust your intuition
you get what you go after