Care

We unconsciously seek for it in each other.

I must learn to (psychologically) break up with others from the outset so that I get to meet them for real during our relationship. Fact is, the way I feel emotionally abused by others is one of the ways in which I emotionally abuse others. Indeed, I gets what I gives.

Because we unconsciously seek for it in others.

The instant I feel met by someone I tend to abdicate the truth and give in to the restless impulse, the compulsion to idealize that other and to start demanding from them to fit into the mold, the image that I project about them. I get excited, I begin to fixate. I grow attached as I energetically invest. And I anxiously expect to be taken (in) by the other who I idealize. I dive into the project of securing the perfect host, the womb where I can dwell [against emptiness].

Because I cannot take the idea of alone forever. I wants to be taken. I wants to be held.

Again, it’s a choice between Image/Dream and Truth.

I still hesitate to go with it but I can feel how my spirit intends to secretly love and support, to listen and guide and oversee the life of my people, the faces I’ve faced and have grown so fond of so far.

And so I kind of pray.

Let me let go of them, of her, of me. Let me give up the jig, the scheming. Let me be free of them and let them be free of me. Let me be empty.

Let me see it.

Let this vessel—this aperture, this light, wiry body, this odd amalgam of patterns, this particular cocktail of neuroses, this splendid fountain of thoughts and feelings, this unique flair & style of being—serve by opening now, here, for all.

Because I am here to take care, not merely to partake. I am here to smuggle in the light of consciousness under the guise of my daily activities, at work, at home, and everywhere in the neighbourhood. This is why I go solo and this is why I need plenty of time to rest and to recover. As delicate as I am I am intent on going within so I get to bring some of what I receive back to you out there. I buffer so that I can serve you to the best of my ability. I need to go in before I can go out and engage in a meaningful, productive way. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, sometimes only an hour or so. This is my gift.

And so I pray.

Help me so I can help you.

Support me so I get to support you.

We need each other.

Because we find it in ourselves, together.

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Translucence

I see myself as a human (at)tuner of sorts. I tap into higher frequencies of presence and I expose others to these frequencies through the way I engage with them. I intend to tune others into these subtler frequencies within, to be more present themselves and feel loved and loving as a consequence. Tuning takes time and it takes trust. The stronger the existential momentum one happens to be caught up in the longer it takes to come to a sufficient standstill where true intent arises to orient subsequent actions. It takes time, trust and patience, but the rest takes care of itself. I am there basically to help make room for the deceleration to occur.

Here is a list of some of the (intertwined) practices that I [as an introvert] typically do to cultivate inhabiting subtler frequencies of energy:

  • social isolation and minimized distraction (no TV, no news, using the internet and social media once a day for an hour @ the local library)
  • sufficient recovery after ’social exertions’ (taking a nap, resting)
  • writing (journaling, composing blog posts and bon mots to share online later)
  • standing and sitting still (as a way of active meditation)
  • walking
  • humming & singing to myself
  • stretching, foam-rolling, rippling and rotating my limbs and my hips in a spiral and wave like fashion, all movement directed from my core, swinging a clubbell occasionally
  • listening to monotonous music (Basinski) or a track on an endless loop (e.g. Earth is Gone by Slugabed)
  • listening to speeches by Adyashanti, David Deida, Owen Cook
  • eating a relatively clean & balanced diet (Ray Peat inspired)
  • engaging others mindfully and as authentically ’’as it gets’’ @ work, the shop, the café, social events, etc.

Critical

Get familiar with your internal instrument board, map out and start tweaking the equalizer of your psychology. Once they are discernible move the needles a bit toward the lighter, brighter spectra. From the lower, denser vibrations to the higher, fickle vibrations of energy: From being serious toward being curious; from your formulaic opinions toward attention; from clean-cut answers toward inquiry; from the loaded questions toward more openended ones; from certainty toward confusion; from the neurotic toward the erotic; and so on. The path to Clarity leads from the seemingly clear-cut through the infinitely vague.

 

The Stalker

Become the stalker of your ’’me’’ relating to others. Every time you interact with someone keep track of your personal neurotic patterns—the interfering fears—that set you up for a trip up & impel you to abandon and lose track of the other for the sake of your demanding, insatiable ego. Notice—in hindsight, “retroactively”—the subtle shift where your listening morphs into a form of pleading and stillness gets drowned out by the rush of your restless attempts to prove yourself.

The Dream

Your ego is a strange attractor that anchors looping neurotic patterns (of emotion, thought, behavior) that sustain a sense of you as a somebody.

This moment is all that has ever been. The rest is a random rainbow trip. Consciousness collapses into an ego trip when a perception [of safety/threat, comfort/pressure, success/failure, freedom/trap, acceptance/rejection, appreciation/misjudgement, etc.] triggers a cascade of neurotic patterns across hormonal, myofascial, metabolic, psychological, etc. levels. The ’I’ flares up, the story of ’me’ rekindles and Light slips down the rabbit hole of the personal kaleidoscope. That is to say: Experience collapses into perceptions that in turn trigger neurotic patterns of anxiety, excitement, joy, nervousness, worry, guilt, shame, fixation, avoidance, recoil, fear of loss, of missing out, sense of inadequacy, of inferiority, of unworthiness, melancholy, dejection, compulsion to sustain, preserve and conserve, muscular tension in the gut, in the neck, cortisol spikes, glycogen plummets, etc.

Ego consciousness is an energy vortex with an ever elusive vacuum in the middle surrounded by clouds of cyclic patterns. Reminds me of this: atom_icon2-1030x1030