Hide ‘n Seek Sitting

A couple of hours ago I sat down to relax and to see (more clearly the truth of my current situation) and what I saw after 2 hours of squirming and restlessly turning was that what, in effect, I sat down with was an agenda to see. It took me around 2 hours to opt for the truth over the self-induced fit of confusion and frustration. My mind kept flashing images from the past and the potential future to which my body responded in kind and the I felt eager to go into the texture of these sensations to let them resolve themselves. I wanted to spend the time productively and do some healing. Yet again, I sat down to resolve and transcend the internal mess that defines feeble, fallible me. In other words, I didn’t sit down to relax initially, I sat down to struggle rather. Much like in writing these posts where usually there is a hidden agenda that sparks the intent to engage in articulating them—namely the agenda to get past and transcend the weaker version of myself by sharing and thus taking ownership of it—more often than not meditation is abused to the same narcissistic end.


/I wonder, though, if I am still around and decided on a whim to reread these posts in 10+ years from now how will I relate to them? Will I feel embarrassed? Or amused? Or fascinated? Or puzzled? I have no idea. Probably, for better or for worse, I’ll have much less free time on my hands to indulge in chasing my elusive tail like this. Probably the concept of ’transcending me mess’ won’t make much sense either by that time. Who knows. I’ll report back, I guess. But then, all I’m doing here is playing the game of the truth and this is where it’s at right now.


You may dodge a couple of bullets by having recourse to neurotic forms of preventive & proactive contraction (i.e. fixating on leading a healthy lifestyle, restrictive dieting, stress management, etc.) but why bother struggling when getting hit by lethal shots is a guarantee. Sooner or later—and in the relative scheme of things it doesn’t matter whether it’s sooner or whether it’s later—we’ll all have to face the break down of our bodies. Why not fixate on the truth of (y)our being instead? /Once you align with the truth of your being the habits of a truly healthy lifestyle emerge inevitably & effortlessly anyway.

know your hormetic range

Exposure has to have a context
which is basically your Intent
every exposure practice should be engaged with a mind to Align

strength training, cold exposure, cold approaching/seduction, social dynamics, intimacy, dieting, art, creation, unapologetic self-expression, asserting personal boundaries, seeking to address personal needs before anyone else’s, etc., etc.
all these Exposure practices are supposed to help you align rather than change (for the better)

they have to be driven, in other words, by a selfless motive rather than a selfish one for gains, lays, fame, success

if it is driven by the latter and you are still bent on escaping the inferior state you (feel you) momentarily inhabit you will tend to compulsively overdo it
and when you overdo something in order to change your “state”
you’ll end up further compromising it

see Exposure as an act of re-balancing
metabolically, hormonally, psychologically, etc.

as a circling back
to full-blown Trust

done right
it’ll feel effortless

no matter the amount of hit & miss it involves

once you hit upon the right notes a couple of times
the corrective stretches will take care of themselves
and the harmonization process will take over and continue cycling through your body/system as long as you provide it enough space/Trust

success is failure

you achieve your results
in spite of your efforts

your body knows what to do
and it does it
provided you give it space

to give space takes time

by merely being present
you feel compulsions arise

your duty is to show up for your impulses
and take ownership of them

results come not from effort
results come from relaxation

what high performers and athletes achieve is success not results
results come of alignment

when I wake up & do corrective stretches
it is not something I force myself to do
I am merely slow enough for my body to compel me to do so

hunger and taste is a better dietician than nutritionsits

[industries are in the business of attenuating intuition]

results come not from effort
results come from relaxation

and relaxation doesn’t mean indulgence in distractions
which is based on avoidance
eating & watching junk
sitting around in a masturbatory loop of idleness

relaxation means presence
showing up, taking ownership
which is based on allowing

once you manage to methodically relax and sync up with your compulsions
you start achieving (your) results

relationships help you align

if you initiate a relationship
from a place of holding back
and putting up an engaging cool front
it will take effort to maintain it
before you end up losing it

in principle,
what you achieve through effort
will take effort to keep
but when you achieve something with ease
(i.e. without holding back)
it will evolve with ease

to find a good match:
don’t hold back, taste a lot and keep probing,
learn to see beyond looks
and perceive behavioral compatibility

just go with it

Bernard Shaw:
“The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for it is occupation, because occupation means pre-occupation; and the
pre-occupied person is neither happy nor unhappy, but simply alive and active. That is why it is necessary to happiness that one should be tired.”

or in Dale Carnegie’s paraphrase:
“George Bernard Shaw was right. He summed it all up when he said: ‘The secret of being miserable is to have the leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not.’ So don’t bother to think about it! Spit on your hands and get busy. Your blood will start circulating; your mind will start ticking—and pretty soon this whole positive upsurge of life in your body will drive worry from your mind. Get busy. Keep busy. It’s the cheapest kind of medicine there is on this earth—and one of the best.”

I am always conflicted on this, though..

I tend to rationalize my idleness as a way of mindfulness meditation
or alignment with my inner fluctuations
and mastering the art of letting go
I self-justify my passivity & tell myself that busyness and all the hustle & bustle is nothing but losing oneself in distraction and giving up, in effect, the beauty of stopping to smell the roses
but then I start wondering whether the anxiety rising up inside out of idleness is not a direct reflection of my resistance to the flow of life
a reflection of my laziness to being a productive force of nature

life is an invitation
to participate
and the more I seek the avoid it
to get above & outside its chaos
and the more I resist its flow:
the more dejected and dead I become
inside & out

it’s a loop

what (death) I seek to avoid
is what I end up attracting

the more that I resent the randomness and contingency and the flux and chaos of life
and therefore resist “just going with it”
the less I am alive:
as if stuck inside an asphyxiating container
that keeps shrinking
fear shrinkwraps and drains the juices of life out of me

there is a difference between ‘letting go’ and ‘letting go’
one of them is passive
one of them is proactively done
and both are essential
they key, as always, is to strike the right balance

life happens on the inside
where you are losing the self you have identified with
every time you relax further inside

I can seek to keep an image of myself outside, insulated, safe and sound
but where my essence is called forth is in the heart of the mesh

enriching my experience
is my offering to the collective experiential dimension of life

my truest contribution