We unconsciously seek for it in each other.
I must learn to (psychologically) break up with others from the outset so that I get to meet them for real during our relationship. Fact is, the way I feel emotionally abused by others is one of the ways in which I emotionally abuse others. Indeed, I gets what I gives.
Because we unconsciously seek for it in others.
The instant I feel met by someone I tend to abdicate the truth and give in to the restless impulse, the compulsion to idealize that other and to start demanding from them to fit into the mold, the image that I project about them. I get excited, I begin to fixate. I grow attached as I energetically invest. And I anxiously expect to be taken (in) by the other who I idealize. I dive into the project of securing the perfect host, the womb where I can dwell [against emptiness].
Because I cannot take the idea of alone forever. I wants to be taken. I wants to be held.
Again, it’s a choice between Image/Dream and Truth.
I still hesitate to go with it but I can feel how my spirit intends to secretly love and support, to listen and guide and oversee the life of my people, the faces I’ve faced and have grown so fond of so far.
And so I kind of pray.
Let me let go of them, of her, of me. Let me give up the jig, the scheming. Let me be free of them and let them be free of me. Let me be empty.
Let me see it.
Let this vessel—this aperture, this light, wiry body, this odd amalgam of patterns, this particular cocktail of neuroses, this splendid fountain of thoughts and feelings, this unique flair & style of being—serve by opening now, here, for all.
Because I am here to take care, not merely to partake. I am here to smuggle in the light of consciousness under the guise of my daily activities, at work, at home, and everywhere in the neighbourhood. This is why I go solo and this is why I need plenty of time to rest and to recover. As delicate as I am I am intent on going within so I get to bring some of what I receive back to you out there. I buffer so that I can serve you to the best of my ability. I need to go in before I can go out and engage in a meaningful, productive way. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, sometimes only an hour or so. This is my gift.
And so I pray.
Help me so I can help you.
Support me so I get to support you.
We need each other.
Because we find it in ourselves, together.