Protecting your exclusive viewpoint. Your vantage, that presumed advantage. It feels safe up there, soaring. So reassuring. Looking in from without. Seeing the folly, detached form all of it. Alienated from others involved in it and alienating others, too, from you. Insular. Is that what you truly intend to have given/gotten? Or do you want to ’come down’ after all? Be honest. That is the question: To be you or to be true? To be or to love?
You are as real as an optical illusion is real: it’s all a matter of perception, relative to a self. Meaning is relative to a me. The truth precedes any (perceptual) interpretation of experience. The truth precedes the illusion of you.
Your ego is a strange attractor that anchors looping neurotic patterns (of emotion, thought, behavior) that sustain a sense of you as a somebody.
This moment is all that has ever been. The rest is a random rainbow trip. Consciousness collapses into an ego trip when a perception [of safety/threat, comfort/pressure, success/failure, freedom/trap, acceptance/rejection, appreciation/misjudgement, etc.] triggers a cascade of neurotic patterns across hormonal, myofascial, metabolic, psychological, etc. levels. The ’I’ flares up, the story of ’me’ rekindles and Light slips down the rabbit hole of the personal kaleidoscope. That is to say: Experience collapses into perceptions that in turn trigger neurotic patterns of anxiety, excitement, joy, nervousness, worry, guilt, shame, fixation, avoidance, recoil, fear of loss, of missing out, sense of inadequacy, of inferiority, of unworthiness, melancholy, dejection, compulsion to sustain, preserve and conserve, muscular tension in the gut, in the neck, cortisol spikes, glycogen plummets, etc.
Ego consciousness is an energy vortex with an ever elusive vacuum in the middle surrounded by clouds of cyclic patterns. Reminds me of this:
When you obtain something out of straining, out of grasping for it you can keep it only by holding (on to) it. Anything you manage to get hold of is something that’s hard-won and needs constant maintenance. It’s doomed to break down and fall away in the end. Think of your ex. Ill-gotten gains require ill at ease games. Let things come to you instead—no matter how long it takes. Relax into the truth.
Can you leave them alone and stop demanding that they be(come) somebody for you? Can you let them be free of your tacit expectations & demands? Can you care unconditionally? Can you love them for real? Can you love through their fear? Could you do all this to yourself first?
Does the hand that animates a puppet have any real personality? Now: How could a nervous system have one that animates a body? Ponder this: Who/Where/What exactly are you?
How many times am I going to ask the same set of questions before I get that there is no satisfactory answer to (ego-) loaded questions?