Restless

Being caught up in the self-improvement loop is better than indulging self-destructive alternatives. Still, you’re fundamentally operating from restlessness—wherein: Rather than letting the truest impulses find you, you are busy rushing things. Your mind compels you to bulletproof and forcefeed:

  • your ’’brain’’ with knowledge and information
  • your ’’persona’’ with newsletters, updates & feeds on social
  • your muscles and tendons with (over)corrective stretches and excessive exercise
  • your ’’gut’’ with supplements and supposedly nutritious foods
  • your ’’soul’’ with spiritual teachings

Etc.

All too busy deferring and buffering against the very wholeness that you seek.

 

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ego

Terrified of negotiating your truest terms and asserting your deepest values, of letting the truth speak and letting the inevitable conflicts arise, of letting contrasts emerge and sparks fly and collisions occur, to see the ripple effects of the frustration of others rub off on you. Terrified of being abandoned, of being waked up from.

Trance v Truth

You turn away.
You miss the mark
and go down the rabbit hole
abandoned

Leading, following, poking, provoking, enduring, indignant, pushed, pulled, swerving, squirming, grasping, clutching, wallowing, indulging, up & high and down & low, seeking: to dodge the empty fire in the middle. To sustain separateness. To keep struggling. Until

you repent
you turn back
and return home

Unaverted
facing forms of yourself in front of yourself
inside yourself
unattached: Present
untethered & unmoored—an open aperture
Watching
Being
Engaged

Stuff I wish I had been told before entering “adulthood”

Not that it would have mattered (or meant) much, but still:

  • Keep warm. Eat for heat. Keep your feet, your hands and nose warm in the colder seasons. Keep blood sugar elevated and relatively steady.
  • You are not responsible for how others feel and act. Everybody is responsible for themselves. The slightest sense of guilt and shame you feel signal that you are playing games with yourself.
  • All emotional pressure is self-imposed. Nobody is responsible for how you feel. Most of your pain is psychological which can be let go of by relaxing and seeing (through) it. Opportunities for this (in the form of problems and cringeful moments) will recur until there is total recognition.
  • Girls are not like boys. Girls emote and they’re geared to react. Don’t be logical with her, ride her emotional waves instead. She doesn’t want to be impressed: she wants to be seen, met, felt, desired and taken by someone who has (loose, relaxed) poise and knows what he wants. Transparency is a big turn on for her. She wants to be ’thrusted’ by someone who can be totally trusted.
  • Don’t take yourself (too) seriously. Don’t take things personally. Stay loose, at ease. Keep things light and simple. Stay cool.
  • An argument doesn’t mean the end of a relationship. Conflicts are not ominous precursors to impending abandonment. They are an integral part of relationships. Nothing is ever personal, really. All things in intimacy are transpersonal, which is to say: Conflicts are openings.
  • You cannot lose what/who truly belongs to you. The truth can’t be harmed. You always have what you need at the moment.
  • You do not violate anyone by ’inconveniencing’ them with (your) truth—only your fragile little ego, which is always a good cause.
  • It’s OK to be solitary in nature and to be a semi-recluse if that’s what makes you tick & feel alive. It doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve (to) care (for others).
  • Don’t rush (into) anything, let things come to you. Things come to you when it’s time for them to come to you. Relentlessly: keep decelerating.
  • Whatever you achieve in life you achieve despite your efforts, to the extent you give it space (~pure attention). Your life is a reflection of where you tend to place your attention. The more relaxed you are the more you tend to place your attention where it belongs.
  • Wallowing in occasional bouts of sorrowful self-pity and emotionally abusing yourself is perfectly natural but remember that it’s also one of the easiest thing in life you can indulge in doing. That’s why everybody is doing it. Enjoy the odd melanchoholic binge but don’t overdo it unnecessarily. Don’t be a bitch, please.
  • Much like everybody else you’ll feel some-one truly special compared to others, the uncrowned king/queen of (your little) universe, unrecognized and underappreciated. And that’s why you are going to struggle to be (seen as) better than ’’them’’. It’s totally futile.
  • Your most important task in life is to find out the truth about who/what you truly All else is secondary.
  • Nothing is a big deal. All is well, even when it’s not. Just stay available.

 

Care

We unconsciously seek for it in each other.

I must learn to (psychologically) break up with others from the outset so that I get to meet them for real during our relationship. Fact is, the way I feel emotionally abused by others is one of the ways in which I emotionally abuse others. Indeed, I gets what I gives.

Because we unconsciously seek for it in others.

The instant I feel met by someone I tend to abdicate the truth and give in to the restless impulse, the compulsion to idealize that other and to start demanding from them to fit into the mold, the image that I project about them. I get excited, I begin to fixate. I grow attached as I energetically invest. And I anxiously expect to be taken (in) by the other who I idealize. I dive into the project of securing the perfect host, the womb where I can dwell [against emptiness].

Because I cannot take the idea of alone forever. I wants to be taken. I wants to be held.

Again, it’s a choice between Image/Dream and Truth.

I still hesitate to go with it but I can feel how my spirit intends to secretly love and support, to listen and guide and oversee the life of my people, the faces I’ve faced and have grown so fond of so far.

And so I kind of pray.

Let me let go of them, of her, of me. Let me give up the jig, the scheming. Let me be free of them and let them be free of me. Let me be empty.

Let me see it.

Let this vessel—this aperture, this light, wiry body, this odd amalgam of patterns, this particular cocktail of neuroses, this splendid fountain of thoughts and feelings, this unique flair & style of being—serve by opening now, here, for all.

Because I am here to take care, not merely to partake. I am here to smuggle in the light of consciousness under the guise of my daily activities, at work, at home, and everywhere in the neighbourhood. This is why I go solo and this is why I need plenty of time to rest and to recover. As delicate as I am I am intent on going within so I get to bring some of what I receive back to you out there. I buffer so that I can serve you to the best of my ability. I need to go in before I can go out and engage in a meaningful, productive way. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, sometimes only an hour or so. This is my gift.

And so I pray.

Help me so I can help you.

Support me so I get to support you.

We need each other.

Because we find it in ourselves, together.

Flair

In the past I’ve held the tacit belief that everyone should be like the person I intended to be: someone dedicated to the truth and oriented towards insights, someone emotionally motivated by the excitement of seeing [recurring] patterns and living a deadbeat lifestyle geared towards facilitating this seeing. I wanted to become the ’’transparent eyeball’’ and over the years—in keeping with this aim—everything I was doing turned out to be devoted to keeping a loose, en-lightened frequency of being in good repair—I ended up being a ’frequency holder’ of sorts, responsible for upkeeping, upregulating and bringing a subtler vibration of energy to bear on my dealings with others. Also,  I’ve become obsessed with sharing the treasure of insights I’ve been graced to stumble upon by packaging them in neat wording. I believe in heart-felt wisdom that is borne of transparency and that results in efficacy of being. This is what drives me essentially. The fact that most of my life I’ve felt guilt-ridden about my half-hearted dealings with others as a consequence of this obsession is simply beyond absurd. At long last I realize that I need not take others’ tastes & preferences personally and that I am not responsible for justifying mine any more than others are responsible for justifying theirs. We differ. What makes me tick makes many diss me, and vice versa. We truly are a multifarious bunch in terms of style, rhythm, values, motivations, etc., and this is perfectly OK.