The process of harmonization goes hand in hand with the development of sensitivity. If you start listening, for instance, to the nutritional needs and (pseudo)allergic reactions of your body you’ll inevitably become more sensitive to foods. The body is a powerful probe. Use it with ease. Or else… you’ll miss the mark. (As in: alignment gone awry. Srsly.)
Things go awry (emotionally) when I take them personally—which is natural, this is what an I is supposed to be doing anyway. The I is geared towards experiencing frustration since that’s what sustains (the sense of) it. Once the recognition arises, though, that the person who takes things personally doesn’t exist and the world this person enacts and the struggle that it experiences in this world is only as real as an optical illusion is real then there will be less and less inclination to avoid the truth of the moment. Once the recognition arises that I can either rest in the truth or I can be driven by frustration: there is less and less inclination to do the latter.
The more I (try not to) fixate on resolving something: the more I end up enacting it. It’s a bitch.
How ironic. I tell others how important it is to keep track of our actions and reactions (or wobbles) in all our interactions so that we learn more about ourselves and others and that way achieve a true(r) communion. And then I think about all the invitations I’ve turned down over the years. I think of all the opportunities I’ve shot down, all the openings to engage others on more intimate terms that I’ve turned away from. When I ask myself why, the idea that comes up is freedom. Keeping my freedom and privacy as much uncontaminated as possible—that seems to be the crux of my shtick. Ironic, I think. More than probably it’s the very attempt to keep my freedom that generates the sense of it being under threat and as a result the bulk of my wobbles. Admittedly, I invest lots of energy to buffer and maintain a distance because without it, without keeping solid personal boundaries I feel suffocated.
Suffocated by what?—you probably ask. Aren’t you suffocated by your own buffering?
To which I would answer that I feel suffocated by the emotional demands imposed upon me.
What emotional demands?
That I must reciprocate even at the expense of my own genuine impulses.
What ’genuine’ impulses?
Impulses the don’t necessarily mesh with what others need from me.
Is that really such a huge problem?—you retort—Do things have to be perfect? And more importantly, aren’t you fixated on your ’’wobbles’’ precisely because you wish to avoid or somehow resolve them in the first place?
Clearly, I make a huge deal out of inter-actions. Perhaps because (like all of us) I trained myself to believe (from an early age) that it’s a serious game with serious consequences which means that once I go in I’ll lose (most of) my freedom to be and live as I please—at least, based on what I’ve experienced so far. This prospect feels quite frightening to me. Hence the fixation. Somewhere there is a fear of failure buried in all this I guess, which implies that I buy into the idea of success as well: the idea that I can do it the right way with the right people at the right time, etc.—the perfect recipe for paralysis, isn’t it. If there is the right way then there is the wrong way too which I can only avoid by making sure that I find the right way which, of course, doesn’t exist outside wishful thinking. There are only different ways which I deem right or wrong on the go.
So this is it, I think: I’m terrified of the constantly shape-shifting field of life in which I’m just your next blade of grass. There is nothing that stays. Everything strays.
So why not do it anyway then? If there is nothing to lose, if there’s nothing that matters after all, why not go in all the way? How elegant—you taunt—to deal with impermanence & separation you resort to shutting down. If you can’t get it all you don’t want any of it then! Classic case of having the sulks.
True, instead of freedom all I manage to keep is a distance, a sense of separateness and anxiety about impermanence—the source of all my (inter)personal issues. When I talk about the importance of transparency (to self (first) and (then) others) it’s because I’m struggling with it. I want resolution, an escape from incompleteness. I want to figure out & transcend the messiness of it. At bottom, I just want to be someone special.
In posts like this, all I’m basically doing is broadcasting my personal process. What I talk about is only relevant to me, but at least, those of me who resonate may benefit too. By speaking out, I give reassurance, I validate parts of our madness.
From an abstract distance, it seems that each one of us is involved in some kind of a loop, an existential loop of our own making, a reality tunnel (as they say) that makes total sense (to us) on the inside but not so much (to the others) on the outside. Everything that is true is real but not everything that is real is true.
If go with what you want that’s what you’ll get and if you go with what you’re thinking that’s what you’ll end up enacting.
Owen Cook: In any social interaction there is always one person reacting more to the other person than that person is reacting to them.
GSP (from UFC): the guy that gets more tired is the one who doesn’t fight his fight but fights his opponent’s fight. If I fight my fight, I will be in control of my environment and I won’t be as tired as if I fight my opponent’s fight.
Eddie Alvarez: He lulled me into a boxing match.
Conor beats his opponents psychologically first, he puts them in reactive mode, inside and outside the cage, he leads, he fights his fight against them. He goes with what he wants, while the opponent gets caught up more in their thoughts, following Conor’s lead, fighting a losing battle.
Check out his matter of fact celebration in this historical moment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPiw27AQYh0
It’s loops all the way. So long as you think that your life is a project to be solved, it will remain a project (problem) to be solved. When you feel that something is missing in your life, it’s precisely because you think that something’s missing in your life. No matter what you do to fill in the gap, so to speak, the underlying sense of lack will generate the compulsion to seek other forms of fillers, endlessly. It’s a subconscious decision. A subliminal thought.
So long as you buy into them, there is no resolution to thoughts. There is no way out of thoughts, they generate loops that feed (into) themselves.
If you don’t want to be entertained by struggling any longer—you let go, but if you want to keep indulging in it—you hold on. As simple as that. Either way is legit.
no matter how much you hold back and how much you resist (being well spent) the world goes by and yields what you resolve to claim of it