There is a paradigmatic difference between going along to get along (or playing the social human game) out of choosing to do so and out of fear of not doing so. Fundamentally, it’s the difference between engaging others for real or being real with them as opposed to being fake or engaging others primarily to humour & please them. While the latter amounts to nothing more but plain sailing across the vacuous ocean of fear, adrift, forever seeking, the former ushers traversing rough patches of meaning, freely, lived as love.
People manipulate each other emotionally because they are terrified, and they are terrified because they are identified with their brittle little bitter ego and feel compelled to defer their pain by blaming, guilting and shaming the other. And it goes both ways: The trigger-happy are quick to click the bait—only those ego-identified can be emotionally abused. The way out is opening into it, right into the fear, the sheer terror, of ’it.’ So long as your intent is pure—to lighten up and to see, efficiency & transparency, the truth—they have nothing against you. Nothing. If your overall frame towards others is: I am here for you. If you have something real to give to the world, I am here to see and appreciate it, otherwise I am blind to you—your conscience is clear.
When you engage outside the pattern of collective neurosis you risk rapport constantly as you trick them into forgetting and surrendering themselves out of the safety of the familiar personal form before they remember to flip out and squirm and resort to try and guilt and shame you into assuming proper character or a relatable role on the neurotic terms of ego and so you get triggered and you spew fuckoff yall smallminded mo fos inside I wont play by no rules of yours I wont play no victim shit I wont engage no power hour no manipulation no emotional chess no drama whatso ever I wont budge to the pull of no expectation I wont play no part NO FUCKEN PART wont abandon the truth for noonessake for crissakes wont take your crap on wont take it serious wont take it personal and I wont be responsible I wont harbour no false conscience fuckoffyall closedminded controlfreaks all you uptight frustrated troll bitches fuckoff yall narcissistic insecure pussies am ready to lose face, respect, rapport and touch, am ready to mess up, to let down, to abandon and be abandoned, am ready to be mocked, dissed and ridiculed, I ain’t nobody for anybody any longer FUCK YOU is all I got to say to you FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCKTHEFUCK YOUALL is all I get to say as on the tailend it frays and fizzles out and the aperture widens and what trickles is love nevertheless instead the love that shines with no flinch and no wince an open pupil that dilates the love that pulls all in and through out, irresistible, real, for real
There’s a constant tug of war inside—feeling guilty of falling short, of letting down, of disappointing others—feeling ashamed of proving to be an unworthy and undeserving spineless jello of a man, a self-absorbed prick, a wimp, a limp dick, posing as a stiff one, the cool motherfucker who is actually severely crippled by fear, terrified of ridicule and humiliation, of arousing more pity than love in others—feeling desperate to prove, to earn, to be liked, admired, etc. All this noise tearing up the depthless lake of stillness in the heart of my heart. Conscience is a reckless luxury, a moronic habit to cultivate.
is what the self auto-generates in order to continually regenerate its degenerate self.
I as an ego have been (en)trained to fixate on pleasing others and feel ashamed and contract in emotional pain whenever (I (perceive that) I cause some form of (emotional) damage to an other. Yeah: I am absolutely loath to put a dent in youse delicate souls.
The emotional pain I typically feel stems either from a sense of guilt or shame [which compels me to recoil] or a sense of over-excitement [which compels me to grasp] and it functions like a black hole that siphons off my energetic flow (shunting blood sugar and cuing the stress hormones) leading to a crash, an energetic collapse (glycogen plummet), a shutdown of bowel movement and severe exhaustion or even a hangover headache in its aftermath.
Once I recognize that ’I’ ain’t the black hole (& totally bound by the gravitational pull of a self-obsessed ego) but that I am the limitless cosmos that contains it: the energetic see-saw dampens to a gentler, more sustainable swing.
In essence, this recognition comes when I finally come upon [=relax into] the distinction between white noise (aka stillness, true freedom) and noise (the emotional pain triggered by shame, guilt, frustration and the compulsion to struggle).
How absurd and how tragic that parents hurt their children by shaming & guilting them for things that, in effect, they themselves bequeathed them. Instead of encouraging the blooming of their unique flair they (in)directly transmit their own anxieties on to the opulent and highly impressionable, fecund minds of their children. The child practically becomes the site of the parents’ internal battles who then identifies with and enacts the emotional pain their parents suffer from. But who is there to blame? All of this is impersonal, trans-generational stuff. Part of growing up is waking up to and seeing through these internalized (personally taken) impersonal patterns—which, incidentally, we’ll never manage to get rid of since, by definition, we as a person (as an ego) are the creation of those very patterns. Of course, what we truly are is infinitely vaster than the personal self we are tormented & so deeply smitten by.
/Besides inculcating a necessary ego function this is the overall sense that is to be cultivated in our children from the get-go.