Terrified of negotiating your truest terms and asserting your deepest values, of letting the truth speak and letting the inevitable conflicts arise, of letting contrasts emerge and sparks fly and collisions occur, to see the ripple effects of the frustration of others rub off on you. Terrified of being abandoned, of being waked up from.
We unconsciously seek for it in each other.
I must learn to (psychologically) break up with others from the outset so that I get to meet them for real during our relationship. Fact is, the way I feel emotionally abused by others is one of the ways in which I emotionally abuse others. Indeed, I gets what I gives.
Because we unconsciously seek for it in others.
The instant I feel met by someone I tend to abdicate the truth and give in to the restless impulse, the compulsion to idealize that other and to start demanding from them to fit into the mold, the image that I project about them. I get excited, I begin to fixate. I grow attached as I energetically invest. And I anxiously expect to be taken (in) by the other who I idealize. I dive into the project of securing the perfect host, the womb where I can dwell [against emptiness].
Because I cannot take the idea of alone forever. I wants to be taken. I wants to be held.
Again, it’s a choice between Image/Dream and Truth.
I still hesitate to go with it but I can feel how my spirit intends to secretly love and support, to listen and guide and oversee the life of my people, the faces I’ve faced and have grown so fond of so far.
And so I kind of pray.
Let me let go of them, of her, of me. Let me give up the jig, the scheming. Let me be free of them and let them be free of me. Let me be empty.
Let me see it.
Let this vessel—this aperture, this light, wiry body, this odd amalgam of patterns, this particular cocktail of neuroses, this splendid fountain of thoughts and feelings, this unique flair & style of being—serve by opening now, here, for all.
Because I am here to take care, not merely to partake. I am here to smuggle in the light of consciousness under the guise of my daily activities, at work, at home, and everywhere in the neighbourhood. This is why I go solo and this is why I need plenty of time to rest and to recover. As delicate as I am I am intent on going within so I get to bring some of what I receive back to you out there. I buffer so that I can serve you to the best of my ability. I need to go in before I can go out and engage in a meaningful, productive way. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, sometimes only an hour or so. This is my gift.
And so I pray.
Help me so I can help you.
Support me so I get to support you.
We need each other.
Because we find it in ourselves, together.
It took me 5 years after the break-up to finally admit to myself that all these years what I have been trying to do was to prove her wrong. I was trying to reestablish the world that got shattered. I was trying to put it back together. I was unwilling to let her [image] go until I showed her and proved myself that she made the wrong call. For I was unwilling to give up idealizing her. I was unwilling to see that she doesn’t get me and buys no longer into me and that’s why she disrespects and mistrusts me now. Me, me, me, me. [The more] I projected my fearful hopes into her [the more] she projected her fears into me. We barely ever met. It had to end. I wanted to break up with myself too.
Struggle or Surrender. Drift fear-fully or drift through fear. This is your call. The truth is given—always, already: giving. Take it or leave it. The rest is a mirage. No matter how vivid: It’s only a mirage. Pick your lane: drift fear-fully or drift through fear.
My own fear is what I hate in you.
You are as real as an optical illusion is real: it’s all a matter of perception, relative to a self. Meaning is relative to a me. The truth precedes any (perceptual) interpretation of experience. The truth precedes the illusion of you.
Your ego is a strange attractor that anchors looping neurotic patterns (of emotion, thought, behavior) that sustain a sense of you as a somebody.
This moment is all that has ever been. The rest is a random rainbow trip. Consciousness collapses into an ego trip when a perception [of safety/threat, comfort/pressure, success/failure, freedom/trap, acceptance/rejection, appreciation/misjudgement, etc.] triggers a cascade of neurotic patterns across hormonal, myofascial, metabolic, psychological, etc. levels. The ’I’ flares up, the story of ’me’ rekindles and Light slips down the rabbit hole of the personal kaleidoscope. That is to say: Experience collapses into perceptions that in turn trigger neurotic patterns of anxiety, excitement, joy, nervousness, worry, guilt, shame, fixation, avoidance, recoil, fear of loss, of missing out, sense of inadequacy, of inferiority, of unworthiness, melancholy, dejection, compulsion to sustain, preserve and conserve, muscular tension in the gut, in the neck, cortisol spikes, glycogen plummets, etc.
Ego consciousness is an energy vortex with an ever elusive vacuum in the middle surrounded by clouds of cyclic patterns. Reminds me of this: