Social Anxiety

Other people are hell only so long as you keep chasing and being haunted by the phantoms that they trigger in you. The slightest sense of guilt or shame or anxiety signals the fact that you’ve resorted to indulge fantasy. The moment you cease buying into your thoughts and your emotions your struggle with others ends too.

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Care

We unconsciously seek for it in each other.

I must learn to (psychologically) break up with others from the outset so that I get to meet them for real during our relationship. Fact is, the way I feel emotionally abused by others is one of the ways in which I emotionally abuse others. Indeed, I gets what I gives.

Because we unconsciously seek for it in others.

The instant I feel met by someone I tend to abdicate the truth and give in to the restless impulse, the compulsion to idealize that other and to start demanding from them to fit into the mold, the image that I project about them. I get excited, I begin to fixate. I grow attached as I energetically invest. And I anxiously expect to be taken (in) by the other who I idealize. I dive into the project of securing the perfect host, the womb where I can dwell [against emptiness].

Because I cannot take the idea of alone forever. I wants to be taken. I wants to be held.

Again, it’s a choice between Image/Dream and Truth.

I still hesitate to go with it but I can feel how my spirit intends to secretly love and support, to listen and guide and oversee the life of my people, the faces I’ve faced and have grown so fond of so far.

And so I kind of pray.

Let me let go of them, of her, of me. Let me give up the jig, the scheming. Let me be free of them and let them be free of me. Let me be empty.

Let me see it.

Let this vessel—this aperture, this light, wiry body, this odd amalgam of patterns, this particular cocktail of neuroses, this splendid fountain of thoughts and feelings, this unique flair & style of being—serve by opening now, here, for all.

Because I am here to take care, not merely to partake. I am here to smuggle in the light of consciousness under the guise of my daily activities, at work, at home, and everywhere in the neighbourhood. This is why I go solo and this is why I need plenty of time to rest and to recover. As delicate as I am I am intent on going within so I get to bring some of what I receive back to you out there. I buffer so that I can serve you to the best of my ability. I need to go in before I can go out and engage in a meaningful, productive way. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, sometimes only an hour or so. This is my gift.

And so I pray.

Help me so I can help you.

Support me so I get to support you.

We need each other.

Because we find it in ourselves, together.

Love

Once you realize that all that they need is presence and all that you can give is your presence and all that you can get is their presence in return, you cease seeking to convince and be met and seen by others. You begin to listen, to connect, for real.

Ease

Stop demanding from life to be a joyride of plain sailing. Life is meant to be difficult. Life is meant to be frustrating. Just act from the intent that naturally arises from stillness. Don’t demand from others to meet & fulfil your needs. Let others be free of you as much as you wish to be free of them. Let things be. Let life live.

Yes, my dear: Stop demanding from me to fulfil your needs. You shall be totally free from me. I want you to win. I am here for you. Are you there for yourself?

 

Play Ball

Overt or covert, think of all conflicts in terms of an image, the image of passing a ball—like a seething, scathing (wrecking) ball of bitter resentment that she swings at you at full tilt expecting you to contract and try and somehow deflect its stinging impact—that she shoots to retaliate and some way redress the hurt your ease triggers in her bitter, uneasy persona. Now, instead of deflecting or quickly passing her hot potato back in recoil you simply ’’collect’’ her ball of fit in the cup of your hand and hand it back to her—taking her personal attack impersonal: Why do you still work here if there is so much emotional pain built up in you?—you ask. This surely will raise more of her ire and result in an even more vicious attack but, again, you catch her ball of fury gently in your hand and hand it back for her to (be)hold. And you keep doing this until she resolves to drop it altogether. Have fun, my friend. Cultivate the tai-chi of Creactiveness until you reach the master level of UU (Usually Unfazed).

Flair

In the past I’ve held the tacit belief that everyone should be like the person I intended to be: someone dedicated to the truth and oriented towards insights, someone emotionally motivated by the excitement of seeing [recurring] patterns and living a deadbeat lifestyle geared towards facilitating this seeing. I wanted to become the ’’transparent eyeball’’ and over the years—in keeping with this aim—everything I was doing turned out to be devoted to keeping a loose, en-lightened frequency of being in good repair—I ended up being a ’frequency holder’ of sorts, responsible for upkeeping, upregulating and bringing a subtler vibration of energy to bear on my dealings with others. Also,  I’ve become obsessed with sharing the treasure of insights I’ve been graced to stumble upon by packaging them in neat wording. I believe in heart-felt wisdom that is borne of transparency and that results in efficacy of being. This is what drives me essentially. The fact that most of my life I’ve felt guilt-ridden about my half-hearted dealings with others as a consequence of this obsession is simply beyond absurd. At long last I realize that I need not take others’ tastes & preferences personally and that I am not responsible for justifying mine any more than others are responsible for justifying theirs. We differ. What makes me tick makes many diss me, and vice versa. We truly are a multifarious bunch in terms of style, rhythm, values, motivations, etc., and this is perfectly OK.