At long last I’ve found my best friend. The friend who was always missing in my life. The friend who is the absolute best friend. The friend who is totally reliable, totally honest and totally transparent towards me. The friend who cares for me unconditionally and impersonally without any strings attached. The friend who is not sparing me from any shred of my own bullshit. The friend who is always absolutely there for me. The friend who took forever for me to recognize and who I still feel a bit intimidated by. The friend I still actually feel a bit reluctant to truly engage… because I know that this friend offers the deepest and the harshest kind of intimacy I’ll ever get to experience in my life. Its name is Truth. And the only distance between us is the fear in me.
It may ease but it won’t cease. It’s not a tick to be fixed. It’s a given: a peculiar pattern that auto-curbs itself to the extent you move consciously [lovingly] with it.
/Meeting with friends is typically a big deal for me. Intimacy triggers a massive neurotic flare up in my psychology. There is a rush of adrenaline and a spike of cortisol, my body temp drops, my hands go cold, glycogen plummets, and I sweat profusely. I look calm but inside I fidget and feel compelled to show off, to impress, to please. Attention turns me on big time. It’s something chronic (and probably trauma-induced). When my perception is that I capture the imagination of someone and I feel felt and seen, I lose poise and I get overexcited. I proceed to indulge in showing off. It feels like getting a fix. Especially when someone is a partner in all this, i.e. their neurotic pattern is to be impressed upon, then the insane dance of the ’dumper’ and the ’dumpee’ ensues.
Given that social interactions in general are either fear- or love based when you experience a kind of nervous buzz taking over you can be certain that you are in a mode of fear-based behavior. Love based engagements are free of agitation and full of easeful joy.
There is always the choice between going with the TRUTH or HOLDING BACK (aka feeding into the fearful ego). When a girl arouses you and you feel like engaging her but hold back instead (to maintain your cool and not risk losing face while hoping for her to initiate) you deny the TRUTH and more importantly you refuse to GIVE her BACK the GIFT that she is giving you by her arousing presence in that moment. Her presence triggers a SPARK in you that can be shared (instead of trying to keep your ego spared). Of course, it’s not necessary at all to do so especially when yo ain’t single, but that can be your truest gift to her: giving back the spark that SHE triggers in you by telling her how she makes you feel (inside and out)—no agenda, no pressure, no demands, no strings attached. Embodying the jolt of the moment. Aligning with the truth and sharing it. She will either appreciate it or she will react out of her own fearful ego and reject or even try and humiliate you. Both ways are OK since it is the truth that she responds to. Nothing is ever personal. If there is a SPARK it is your privilege as a man to initiate engaging her and it is her privilege as a woman to either receive or reject your truthful thrust. For this you must keep your poise and be grounded in your gut, engaging her from the truth of the moment—steering clear of the images the scheming ego automatically starts projecting. If she resorts to playing games with you she is doing so out of frustration over your failing to stay true to her and the truth of the moment. Simple as that. Now go and harass her ass. See where it goes…
There are the faces around that we all are, faces, already fading, about to be forgotten faces, blooming, withering and vanishing sea waves of faces, my face and your face to be lost sooner or later we are to lose no matter how hard we try to save it on facebook, from humiliation and utter oblivion, always already fading from the face of the Earth, every single face you ever face faces to be replaced, by other faces, as our faces have replaced the faces flowering before us, under the sun, nothing special,
Do you see?
Do you see them now?
Do you feel the love you actually feel for all of them? The faces up the streets, in the shops, in the parks and on the trams. The faces at work and the faces at home. The faces from the past, opposite, behind and next to yours, the newborn faces. Out and about. Take a look. Variations on a theme. Beneath all these faces we all share the same essence. Underneath the myriad faces there is only one sameone there.
nothing stays, on the face of it
What remains, in the end, nothing else remains but awareness, of this moment, above and in front of all the toyful joys and the soulfull sorrows of the person who is losing everybody and everything, slowly and surely, all that it—as an I—has ever attained or missed and all that it has ever grown fond of and loved, sooner or later, falls away, and then the truth meets the truth… this heart is breaking and oozing gooey pain at the thought of my parents fading, at the thought of an ex and the countless unpursued prospects blending into the impersonal mass of the female flesh I’m so mesmerized by day by day: nothing remains that I could hold on to, nothing that I can grasp, nobody, noone, nothing to fixate on, nothing that fix(at)es, nothing that grounds me, nothing to write about really, all the writing blurs into noise, another iteration of the same old, same old, everything pixelates, with me in the middle of it all, alive, a heart, ready to burst, or stop, almost, for real, and it’s beating on, for it’s only the mind that is blown away by the overwhelm called truth
All interpersonal glitch stems from the sense of separation. The resolution to this glitch is simply to cease to exist [as a separate self] or as Adyashanti likes to put it: I’ll be free (from ’you’) when you get to be free from ’me.’ In other words, the only place we can truly meet is right in the middle or rather ’in front of’ us where: I don’t need ’you’ to stay with ’me’—I’m not grasping/needy and I don’t need ’you’ to leave ’me’ (be)—I’m not recoiling/avoidant.
I have a rule: If you wish to be seen, show your truest colors—the other stuff: that sticky, clingy, gooey, needy, personal, phony, affected, demanding, ambivalent, avoidant, shadow-play way of relating, no thanks, please. But then, this is a rule I myself am struggling to live up to. For all intents and purposes.
Don’t look at that little ticker-tape thing in your head and continue to try to get it to be totally unconditioned. Forget it. The problem isn’t that that little thing in your head is conditioned. That’s not the problem. The problem is that you believe it, that you think it’s true, and worst of all, you may think it’s you. That’s the only problem at all. Once you wake up from that dream, it no longer has hold of you. You’re no longer looking through that conditioned mind, you’re not perceiving through its delusions. It’s something that exists within you, you no longer exist within it.
The truth of our being has no center. The truth of us isn’t the center. It isn’t that place that’s interpreting each and every moment, each and every experience. That’s the false self. That’s what we think we are.
Does it feel good to have the center fall apart? Of course, it does. Until the center tries to put itself back together. Then it doesn’t feel so good. But then the center puts itself back together only to say:
—Jeez, that was really nice when I wasn’t here.
It’s a catch 22, isn’t it. The wheel of samsara.
—I like it but I want to be here to reflect upon how good it is. What good is happiness to me if I am not here to reflect on how happy I am.
Happiness happens but it’s not relevant. But to the center it’s always relevant. The center is always reflecting: How do I feel? What do I know? How do I do it? Am I getting there? Am I not getting there? Where am I in all this?
The center is always trying to locate itself.
Instead of feeling we’re simply hearing (in our mind) what others are saying.
Reality doesn’t ’’care’’ about your belief structure.
We think that freedom is the fulfillment of our belief structure, but true freedom is the freedom from our belief structure.
We suffer under this horrendous dream that: My experience of things is how they are. That’s probably one of the greatest trance state of human beings. The way I see things is the way they actually are. It’s one of the most difficult things for a human being to break out of.
The worst thing that can possibly happen to anybody is that they believe a thought. It’s as bad as it gets.