When you engage outside the pattern of collective neurosis you risk rapport constantly as you trick them into forgetting and surrendering themselves out of the safety of the familiar personal form before they remember to flip out and squirm and resort to try and guilt and shame you into assuming proper character or a relatable role on the neurotic terms of ego and so you get triggered and you spew fuckoff yall smallminded mo fos inside I wont play by no rules of yours I wont play no victim shit I wont engage no power hour no manipulation no emotional chess no drama whatso ever I wont budge to the pull of no expectation I wont play no part NO FUCKEN PART wont abandon the truth for noonessake for crissakes wont take your crap on wont take it serious wont take it personal and I wont be responsible I wont harbour no false conscience fuckoffyall closedminded controlfreaks all you uptight frustrated troll bitches fuckoff yall narcissistic insecure pussies am ready to lose face, respect, rapport and touch, am ready to mess up, to let down, to abandon and be abandoned, am ready to be mocked, dissed and ridiculed, I ain’t nobody for anybody any longer FUCK YOU is all I got to say to you FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCKTHEFUCK YOUALL is all I get to say as on the tailend it frays and fizzles out and the aperture widens and what trickles is love nevertheless instead the love that shines with no flinch and no wince an open pupil that dilates the love that pulls all in and through out, irresistible, real, for real
Get familiar with your internal instrument board, map out and start tweaking the equalizer of your psychology. Once they are discernible move the needles a bit toward the lighter, brighter spectra. From the lower, denser vibrations to the higher, fickle vibrations of energy: From being serious toward being curious; from your formulaic opinions toward attention; from clean-cut answers toward inquiry; from the loaded questions toward more openended ones; from certainty toward confusion; from the neurotic toward the erotic; and so on. The path to Clarity leads from the seemingly clear-cut through the infinitely vague.
Take nothing at face value. See through the sur-face. See through the ripples. Rest with the truth of this moment. No matter the content it’s the context of your engagements that manifests in your experience. No matter their content it’s the context of your comments that determines the interpersonal trajectories involving you.
See through the bitchiness of women, see through the antagonism of colleagues, see through the heavy moods of loved ones, see through their trans-generational, trauma-induced compulsions to hurt and feel hurt, see through the ingratiating comments of your fans, see through your adverse and elated reactions—feel them, embrace them, fully, rest in them, struggle with ease—nothing’s a big deal.
Whatever STATE arises stay the SPACE around and in front of it. Relax and relish what unfolds. Nothing is personal.
Recently I experienced some discomfort for over a week in the form of a cough-inducing itchiness in my throat (especially around 8pm in the evenings), sluggishness (in the afternoons), feeling in general as if I was about to fall ill. My system was undergoing a February defragmentation of sorts, I guess. The immune system was busy with some bugs that’s for sure. And it all generated a mild but compounding tension in me over the days because no matter the measures I took to tilt the bio-chemical battle inside in favor of my immune system I seemed to be stuck in a convalescing limbo, and what made the whole travail even worse was the high sexual arousal that accompanied it. In fact, once I couldn’t contain it any longer and I ended up busting a big fat one that contributed to an intensification of the itchiness in my throat.
At any rate, when I finally accepted that I won’t escape this energetic slump simply by taking some aspirin and ginger candies and whatnot and I can’t get away from it by distracting myself long enough with my projects I decided to relax and relish the STATE I’ve found myself in. One night I sat down to inquire.
As usual I started out with the opener:—What’s here?
First, I tuned into and described to myself the STATE I felt enmeshed in (in terms of somatic ’textures’ and sensations) by scanning my body, and then I drifted into feeling into the ways my mind was involved in all this. Essentially, I began tracing the subliminal meanings that, in effect, established the emotional tension that was ratcheting up over the days. In what follows I’ll attempt and shortly dramatize the situation to give you an idea:
Basically, there were 2 voices (one of them to a lesser & the other to greater degree streaming from the ego) rippling & mingling as I was sitting still. One of them was, say, the reassuring type the other the more bitchy, insidious one—which, incidentally, came out pretty slowly and incrementally but at the end proved to be quite noisy as well as nasty.
The Reassuring one was the first one to comment:
—It is what it is. It’s OK. I don’t mind. If I fall ill it’s OK. No big deal. I won’t fall behind because of this. It is what it is. Etc.
To which the Bitch whispered back:
—It’s OK but I think it could have been avoided.
Reass reacted sharply and rather abstractly (in the language of high-minded spiritualese):
—Who gives a fuck. WHO GIVES A FUCK?! I don’t care. I DON’T GIVE A FLYING DUCK. Whatever happens, happens. There is no mistakes made. There is no right or wrong way. There is only this moment and that’s the truth. No discomfort can take away the truth. No thought can take away the truth. The only thing I can ever lose is a purchase on my fictitious self-image. In fact, I need the itchy throat. I need the battle. I need the sickness. I need the truth.
After some such back and forth [in essence, about being a frail human vs. a superhuman] Bitch finally turned into Butch and launched its de-finitive attack:
—But I have to be healthy. Otherwise I lose the GAINS [mental, spiritual, physical gains] that I’ve made. If I relapse I lose all the GAINS that I have worked on so much to make. Sickness is not OK. Sickness is a relapse in the PROGRESS. Don’t you understand?! A collapse means that I have to start all over again. I was getting CLOSER but I/’you’ messed up. Now, I have to re-cover the lost GAINS again. I could have avoided it but you fucked up. Had you been more careful, you could have easily prevented this. Again, we lose more TIME with this. We will arrive ’THERE’ much later. You shouldn’t have jerked off either. You shouldn’t have taken your hormonal imbalance so personally. You are SLOPPY, you cause harm. You let down yourself & you let down OTHERS. YOU SHOULD PAY MORE ATTENTION AND NOT ABUSE THE INVESTMENTS OTHERS PUT IN YOU. SHAME ON YOU. YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY. YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF. FUCK YOU YOU STUPID DUMB LOSER FUCK. Etc., etc.
What can I say? Yet another instant when the [progress-obsessed aspect of the] ego was drawn into the open and once again seen for its nonsense. I simply let it be and embarrass itself in front of me/itself. Of course, this whole schizoid dialogue wasn’t so clean cut as it’s presented here but this is the essence of what rippled through ’me’ during that sit. Admittedly, this is very personal stuff but I don’t mind sharing it because I’m sure in some form you can relate.
On a side-tangent: I’d like to also share that for some reason I have this recurring thought that these anxiety-provoking voices that routinely haunt my psyche in (emotionally overwhelming) situations like this are actually inherited in a way. In point of fact, my ancestors were peasants on both sides of my family who by necessity were rather frugal and privation-minded people so to say. It’s not that hard, in my view, to hear some potential echoes from the energy field they emotionally inhabited still reverberating in my life today. Also, both my grandfathers were heavy alcoholics and I can easily imagine that the voices haunting them were very similar in kind to the ones I tend to get tormented by [in my intellectual, romantic, spiritual, health-related pursuits]. Read back what I just wrote above and think of people struggling with the specter of scarcity. Now we have to start all over again because you pissed it all away you dumb fuck. All that hard effort is wasted because you couldn’t control yourself, because you are just too weak. You are just a burden and nothing but a source of misery and pain for all of us. We all suffer because of you. We suffer FROM you. Etc. The contents may change but the theme is the same. And it may very well extend way beyond the ancestral confines of the family tree. But then, God only knows… and it doesn’t matter, anyway. What matters is what’s here now. Always. What’s here?
Remember: Whatever STATE arises stay the SPACE around and in front of it. Relax and relish what unfolds. Nothing is personal.
Don’t look at that little ticker-tape thing in your head and continue to try to get it to be totally unconditioned. Forget it. The problem isn’t that that little thing in your head is conditioned. That’s not the problem. The problem is that you believe it, that you think it’s true, and worst of all, you may think it’s you. That’s the only problem at all. Once you wake up from that dream, it no longer has hold of you. You’re no longer looking through that conditioned mind, you’re not perceiving through its delusions. It’s something that exists within you, you no longer exist within it.
The truth of our being has no center. The truth of us isn’t the center. It isn’t that place that’s interpreting each and every moment, each and every experience. That’s the false self. That’s what we think we are.
Does it feel good to have the center fall apart? Of course, it does. Until the center tries to put itself back together. Then it doesn’t feel so good. But then the center puts itself back together only to say:
—Jeez, that was really nice when I wasn’t here.
It’s a catch 22, isn’t it. The wheel of samsara.
—I like it but I want to be here to reflect upon how good it is. What good is happiness to me if I am not here to reflect on how happy I am.
Happiness happens but it’s not relevant. But to the center it’s always relevant. The center is always reflecting: How do I feel? What do I know? How do I do it? Am I getting there? Am I not getting there? Where am I in all this?
The center is always trying to locate itself.
Instead of feeling we’re simply hearing (in our mind) what others are saying.
Reality doesn’t ’’care’’ about your belief structure.
We think that freedom is the fulfillment of our belief structure, but true freedom is the freedom from our belief structure.
We suffer under this horrendous dream that: My experience of things is how they are. That’s probably one of the greatest trance state of human beings. The way I see things is the way they actually are. It’s one of the most difficult things for a human being to break out of.
The worst thing that can possibly happen to anybody is that they believe a thought. It’s as bad as it gets.
there is nothing to be solved
especially not self or others
let things ripple
especially self & others
let them feel seen,
felt and understood
just pay more attention
let go and witness
as everything re-solves itself
your true intent is to heal your deepest wounds
if you don’t own and act on your true intent
all you do is ab-use others
and further damage your self
your true intent is to relax from your structural imbalances
it all starts beyond the realm of (saving & losing) face
a couple of examples:
(1) in training, lifting weights your true intent is ligament alignment,
balancing your musculo-skeletal system
there is no better authority on this than Scott Sonnon:
“Be weakness-focused, create exercise opportunities for the weaknesses to flex and restrengthen themselves; balance comes as a natural by product
“Weakness is neural shut-down. Hold, until you switch back on
“The exercise you most hate is the one you need most.
“Test the ranges, find the restrictions, build the fundamentals, practice the skills, and only then train them at high intensity
(2) following dietary advice your true intent is appetite alignment
balancing your hormonal system
to my mind this is the best advice regarding proper nutrition:
“Optimizing health and increasing energy requires consuming a diet of easily digestible foods eaten in proper frequency and balance. The trick is learning to understand what foods are easily digestible to YOUR body and what is a proper frequency and balance for YOU” — EastWest Healing
(3) in intimacy your true intent is boundary alignment
balancing inter-personal needs
the best authority on this is David Deida:
“If a man prioritizes his relationship over his highest purpose, he weakens himself, disserves the universe, and cheats his woman of an authentic man who can offer his full, undivided presence”
and sometimes the seemingly sleazy is nothing but a form of psycho-social therapy, an intra-personal alignment: https://youtu.be/DR2j2RC0Ytk?t=1h51m