Care

We unconsciously seek for it in each other.

I must learn to (psychologically) break up with others from the outset so that I get to meet them for real during our relationship. Fact is, the way I feel emotionally abused by others is one of the ways in which I emotionally abuse others. Indeed, I gets what I gives.

Because we unconsciously seek for it in others.

The instant I feel met by someone I tend to abdicate the truth and give in to the restless impulse, the compulsion to idealize that other and to start demanding from them to fit into the mold, the image that I project about them. I get excited, I begin to fixate. I grow attached as I energetically invest. And I anxiously expect to be taken (in) by the other who I idealize. I dive into the project of securing the perfect host, the womb where I can dwell [against emptiness].

Because I cannot take the idea of alone forever. I wants to be taken. I wants to be held.

Again, it’s a choice between Image/Dream and Truth.

I still hesitate to go with it but I can feel how my spirit intends to secretly love and support, to listen and guide and oversee the life of my people, the faces I’ve faced and have grown so fond of so far.

And so I kind of pray.

Let me let go of them, of her, of me. Let me give up the jig, the scheming. Let me be free of them and let them be free of me. Let me be empty.

Let me see it.

Let this vessel—this aperture, this light, wiry body, this odd amalgam of patterns, this particular cocktail of neuroses, this splendid fountain of thoughts and feelings, this unique flair & style of being—serve by opening now, here, for all.

Because I am here to take care, not merely to partake. I am here to smuggle in the light of consciousness under the guise of my daily activities, at work, at home, and everywhere in the neighbourhood. This is why I go solo and this is why I need plenty of time to rest and to recover. As delicate as I am I am intent on going within so I get to bring some of what I receive back to you out there. I buffer so that I can serve you to the best of my ability. I need to go in before I can go out and engage in a meaningful, productive way. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, sometimes only an hour or so. This is my gift.

And so I pray.

Help me so I can help you.

Support me so I get to support you.

We need each other.

Because we find it in ourselves, together.

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Love

Once you realize that all that they need is presence and all that you can give is your presence and all that you can get is their presence in return, you cease seeking to convince and be met and seen by others. You begin to listen, to connect, for real.

Forget Approval

Just keep on expressing your frequency of being and let it be amplified by others along the way. Don’t concern yourself with convincing or saving and elevating anyone in particular. Only those pick up on the frequency you’re transmitt[er]ing who are ready for receiving it. You cannot prove the truth to anyone. The best you can do is to impart it without holding back.

Support

I can’t afford self-pity any more than I can afford put-on sentiments of commiseration. Assuming the emotional pain of others won’t help anybody to deal with the fallout of their personal tragedy. The best gesture I can offer is to lead by example, which is taking the thing impersonal: directly to heart, deep and at once released.

Translucence

I see myself as a human (at)tuner of sorts. I tap into higher frequencies of presence and I expose others to these frequencies through the way I engage with them. I intend to tune others into these subtler frequencies within, to be more present themselves and feel loved and loving as a consequence. Tuning takes time and it takes trust. The stronger the existential momentum one happens to be caught up in the longer it takes to come to a sufficient standstill where true intent arises to orient subsequent actions. It takes time, trust and patience, but the rest takes care of itself. I am there basically to help make room for the deceleration to occur.

Here is a list of some of the (intertwined) practices that I [as an introvert] typically do to cultivate inhabiting subtler frequencies of energy:

  • social isolation and minimized distraction (no TV, no news, using the internet and social media once a day for an hour @ the local library)
  • sufficient recovery after ’social exertions’ (taking a nap, resting)
  • writing (journaling, composing blog posts and bon mots to share online later)
  • standing and sitting still (as a way of active meditation)
  • walking
  • humming & singing to myself
  • stretching, foam-rolling, rippling and rotating my limbs and my hips in a spiral and wave like fashion, all movement directed from my core, swinging a clubbell occasionally
  • listening to monotonous music (Basinski) or a track on an endless loop (e.g. Earth is Gone by Slugabed)
  • listening to speeches by Adyashanti, David Deida, Owen Cook
  • eating a relatively clean & balanced diet (Ray Peat inspired)
  • engaging others mindfully and as authentically ’’as it gets’’ @ work, the shop, the café, social events, etc.