If you contract around someone you automatically get involved, you congeal into a role, a pole in reaction to the other person’s role as the opposite, counter pole. You are in reaction. The quickest way out of the scheme of this ill-bred predicament is to let the truth claim your heart on the spot and proceed to share your overall intent [to lighten up] with this particular individual too, to project love onto them behind their back. Now, unbeknownst to them, you set the super-frame that defines the game you two play—which is the game of the open heart.
Honesty—like any virtue—is a double-edged act. You deploy honesty either as a kind of defence mechanism, to overwhelm and trigger awe in the other or you do it to totally unguard ’’your’’ heart, as a gesture of exposure, out of love for the truth of the moment. In other words, it either comes from a reckless, self-absorbed place at a bombastic, emotionally rushed pace or it comes from a place of playful, radiant presence, manifesting as a gentle, impersonal, spontaneous and creative style of interpersonal engagement. Instead of the restless neurotic rush, it takes place in a relaxed space in front of your reflexive compulsion to push or pull—where you know you have absolutely nothing to gain and nothing to lose but something to give. /This is something, actually, that I’ve realized after a job interview.
The people you (choose to) value the most for whatever (personal) reason you tend to abuse the most. Preferential treatment implies an ego at work. You naturally feel compelled to manipulate in some manner the ones you value so that you can ground your sense of (special) self in and through them. You need them to act a certain way for you to feel then a certain way. It’s a natural consequence of fixation—and a nasty habit to have.
It took me 5 years after the break-up to finally admit to myself that all these years what I have been trying to do was to prove her wrong. I was trying to reestablish the world that got shattered. I was trying to put it back together. I was unwilling to let her [image] go until I showed her and proved myself that she made the wrong call. For I was unwilling to give up idealizing her. I was unwilling to see that she doesn’t get me and buys no longer into me and that’s why she disrespects and mistrusts me now. Me, me, me, me. [The more] I projected my fearful hopes into her [the more] she projected her fears into me. We barely ever met. It had to end. I wanted to break up with myself too.
Can you leave them alone and stop demanding that they be(come) somebody for you? Can you let them be free of your tacit expectations & demands? Can you care unconditionally? Can you love them for real? Can you love through their fear? Could you do all this to yourself first?
every time you realize you have nothing to lose (and thus nothing to hide)
you become fool-proof: noone will be able to control you emotionally