Here’s another installment of a dramatized internal conflict in the form of a dialogue. I’ll cut to the chase right away and keep it pretty succinct—to reproduce it [the tempo of my mind] as realistically as possible. Admittedly, it may feel pretty fast-paced and somewhat illogical & disjointed at places as a result:
M: Let’s be honest: I still choose contraction over relaxation. I still choose to delay a projected prospect of gratification. I still choose to work on the project of self-actualization, and therefore I still choose to hold back and keep my gut tense. I still choose constipation over free flow. I still choose the illusion of separateness and the illusion of agency & control. I still go with the flow of the ego & dismiss the flow of the truth. Etc.
Q: Ok, now that you profess to be honest, let’s get clear too. First off, why do you think you choose holding back?
M: … Because I want to prove. I want to prove that what I do works. I want to prove ’’them’’ wrong. I want to prove myself to them. I want to prove, to be approved. If I gave up now decades of effort would go down the drain.
Q: [I, I, I, I, I, lololol] What is it that You want to prove to ’’them’’?
M: … I want them to finally see that I’m fascinating. I want them to be humbled by how right and how cool I am, by how good of a taste and style and blowing mind I have. I want them to become silent but raving fans of me.
Q: [And You, You, You, You, You attempt to do that (i.e. proving your truth) by holding back…WTF?] Why do you want ’’them’’ to be fascinated?
M: … So that I can finally relax knowing that they finally see & appreciate me and I don’t have to prove anything anymore.
Q: [Keep pushing to get to rest?—Hmm.] What exactly do you want them to ’’see’’?
M: I want them to see how amazing I am.
M: Again, so that I can relax.
Q: Right. So, what happens when you relax?
M: It means (feeds back as the sense) that I succeeded in proving my point. I’ll be seen & appreciated at long last.
Q: So you feel ’’they’’ don’t appreciate you now. Do you appreciate ’’them’’ by the way?
M: … Only those who are real.
Q: Right. So, who is ’’real’’ for you? [Are you?]
M: … Someone who totally lets go and speaks & lives the(ir) truth without fear. Someone who feels no need to take things personally and engages life & others with absolutely no strings attached. Someone who has transcended the bounds of their petty self-concern and shines without any sense of shame or guilt or anxiety.
Q: Do you see the paradox here?
M: … Yes, I guess, I do—Admittedly, I always feel at my best when I allow a selfless flow determine they way I engage. I feel in the zone when I’m in the zone. It’s a paradox indeed, in that: Basically, I want others to acknowledge me for something I don’t actually do but RELAX into at times, that is: I want to take credit for what comes through me DESPITE of me.
Q: Do you feel the absurdity of this paradox?
M: … Well, let me sort this out: I want them to see (amazing) me so that I can relax. And yet, I feel amazing precisely when I’m simply relaxed into my actions and I don’t even care whether I’m seen or not since there is not much of an I there to begin with. I is only an after-thought which then all of a sudden takes over and demands to reproduce the sensation after the fact and feels frustrated by failing at [reclaiming] it. Or something like that, I guess.
Q: Or something like that, yes. Now, where do we go from here?
M: I know. I know. I gotta go with the truth. And drop all defense and speak the truth and live the truth and be the truth. And I must align because I want to align and to align I can’t wobble too much so I must keep an even keel & follow the lead of the truth, all the way.
Q: Or else?
M: Or else it’s a waste of a lifetime spent in endless yo-yoing between, say, supper & next day struggle.
Q: Well, I would tone the melodramatic vibe down a bit but I say: Right on Márk. [Sort of.]
/Reading back this dialogue a few days later: I cannot help but feel amused how the ego [M] proceeds to give foolproof, well-rehearsed advice on how to transcend itself at the end. The only parts worth paying any sincere attention to are the bracketed comments. The rest is [smart-ass] nonsense./