Hide ‘n Seek Sitting

A couple of hours ago I sat down to relax and to see (more clearly the truth of my current situation) and what I saw after 2 hours of squirming and restlessly turning was that what, in effect, I sat down with was an agenda to see. It took me around 2 hours to opt for the truth over the self-induced fit of confusion and frustration. My mind kept flashing images from the past and the potential future to which my body responded in kind and the I felt eager to go into the texture of these sensations to let them resolve themselves. I wanted to spend the time productively and do some healing. Yet again, I sat down to resolve and transcend the internal mess that defines feeble, fallible me. In other words, I didn’t sit down to relax initially, I sat down to struggle rather. Much like in writing these posts where usually there is a hidden agenda that sparks the intent to engage in articulating them—namely the agenda to get past and transcend the weaker version of myself by sharing and thus taking ownership of it—more often than not meditation is abused to the same narcissistic end.

 

/I wonder, though, if I am still around and decided on a whim to reread these posts in 10+ years from now how will I relate to them? Will I feel embarrassed? Or amused? Or fascinated? Or puzzled? I have no idea. Probably, for better or for worse, I’ll have much less free time on my hands to indulge in chasing my elusive tail like this. Probably the concept of ’transcending me mess’ won’t make much sense either by that time. Who knows. I’ll report back, I guess. But then, all I’m doing here is playing the game of the truth and this is where it’s at right now.

I N Q U I R Y

Here’s another installment of a dramatized internal conflict in the form of a dialogue. I’ll cut to the chase right away and keep it pretty succinct—to reproduce it [the tempo of my mind] as realistically as possible. Admittedly, it may feel pretty fast-paced and somewhat illogical & disjointed at places as a result:

M: Let’s be honest: I still choose contraction over relaxation. I still choose to delay a projected prospect of gratification. I still choose to work on the project of self-actualization, and therefore I still choose to hold back and keep my gut tense. I still choose constipation over free flow. I still choose the illusion of separateness and the illusion of agency & control. I still go with the flow of the ego & dismiss the flow of the truth. Etc.

Q: Ok, now that you profess to be honest, let’s get clear too. First off, why do you think you choose holding back?

M: … Because I want to prove. I want to prove that what I do works. I want to prove ’’them’’ wrong. I want to prove myself to them. I want to prove, to be approved. If I gave up now decades of effort would go down the drain.

Q: [I, I, I, I, I, lololol] What is it that You want to prove to ’’them’’?

M: … I want them to finally see that I’m fascinating. I want them to be humbled by how right and how cool I am, by how good of a taste and style and blowing mind I have. I want them to become silent but raving fans of me.

Q: [And You, You, You, You, You attempt to do that (i.e. proving your truth) by holding back…WTF?] Why do you want ’’them’’ to be fascinated?

M: … So that I can finally relax knowing that they finally see & appreciate me and I don’t have to prove anything anymore.

Q: [Keep pushing to get to rest?—Hmm.] What exactly do you want them to ’’see’’?

M: I want them to see how amazing I am.

Q: Why?

M: Again, so that I can relax.

Q: Right. So, what happens when you relax?

M: It means (feeds back as the sense) that I succeeded in proving my point. I’ll be seen & appreciated at long last.

Q: So you feel ’’they’’ don’t appreciate you now. Do you appreciate ’’them’’ by the way?

M: … Only those who are real.

Q: Right. So, who is ’’real’’ for you? [Are you?]

M: … Someone who totally lets go and speaks & lives the(ir) truth without fear. Someone who feels no need to take things personally and engages life & others with absolutely no strings attached. Someone who has transcended the bounds of their petty self-concern and shines without any sense of shame or guilt or anxiety.

Q: Do you see the paradox here?

M: … Yes, I guess, I do—Admittedly, I always feel at my best when I allow a selfless flow determine they way I engage. I feel in the zone when I’m in the zone. It’s a paradox indeed, in that: Basically, I want others to acknowledge me for something I don’t actually do but RELAX into at times, that is: I want to take credit for what comes through me DESPITE of me.

Q: Do you feel the absurdity of this paradox?

M: … Well, let me sort this out: I want them to see (amazing) me so that I can relax. And yet, I feel amazing precisely when I’m simply relaxed into my actions and I don’t even care whether I’m seen or not since there is not much of an I there to begin with. I is only an after-thought which then all of a sudden takes over and demands to reproduce the sensation after the fact and feels frustrated by failing at [reclaiming] it. Or something like that, I guess.

Q: Or something like that, yes. Now, where do we go from here?

M: I know. I know. I gotta go with the truth. And drop all defense and speak the truth and live the truth and be the truth. And I must align because I want to align and to align I can’t wobble too much so I must keep an even keel & follow the lead of the truth, all the way.

Q: Or else?

M: Or else it’s a waste of a lifetime spent in endless yo-yoing between, say, supper & next day struggle.

Q: Well, I would tone the melodramatic vibe down a bit but I say: Right on Márk. [Sort of.]

/Reading back this dialogue a few days later: I cannot help but feel amused how the ego [M] proceeds to give foolproof, well-rehearsed advice on how to transcend itself at the end. The only parts worth paying any sincere attention to are the bracketed comments. The rest is [smart-ass] nonsense./

Regrounding 101

  1. When you notice an escalation of tension & wiredness collapse right into your sofa and tune into the ’white noise’ in your ears.
  2. Trace the emotional pain that got triggered: localize it by scanning your body as you’re letting it sink (deflate) deeper & deeper into the sofa.
  3. Let the sensations (and the voices) ripple and intensify as you rest & sink into them as well.
  4. Relax all the way.

Rigth In The Middle Of It

Right in the middle of mentalizing: STOP. Reground, regroup in stillness. In other words: Notice when you get caught up in an agenda (scheme of certainty) at the expense of the truth (scene of uncertainty). The specter of scarcity that haunts [~suffuses the idea that you have about] your self follows you around like a shadow. Notice when the scheming self (that is forever seeking its way out & about) picks up momentum again and (ar)rest all movement right there, suspend everything right then. STOP. Fall right back in front of your grasping/recoiling. And simply regard the GIVEN: the sheer immediacy that envelops you this moment. Linger. No edge. No center. No ground.
No time. No rhyme. No reason.
Enjoy.