There is a paradigmatic difference between going along to get along (or playing the social human game) out of choosing to do so and out of fear of not doing so. Fundamentally, it’s the difference between engaging others for real or being real with them as opposed to being fake or engaging others primarily to humour & please them. While the latter amounts to nothing more but plain sailing across the vacuous ocean of fear, adrift, forever seeking, the former ushers traversing rough patches of meaning, freely, lived as love.
If someone suffers from the compulsion to please others they are also prone to be abusive (passive aggressively or even sadistically) towards others. It’s like a pendulum in swing. The balance is kept by compensatory ways of behaviors.
Typically, the frustration that builds up when they’re holding back—out there where they feel unsafe—they end up venting through (passive) aggression whereever they feel safe.
are you on the offense or the defense?
intimacy & affection are intense forms of exposure
that set you face to face with your self-imposed pressures (to appease)
those who received scarce attention as children
and developed ambivalent patterns of attachment
need to leverage social exposure in a measured way
they have to build tolerance to it against the grain of their over-sensitivity to it gradually
for them every interaction is effectively a work-out on their “poise”
from which they have to repeatedly recover
look at a plant that is surrounded by weeds
it is stunted in its growth
it is deprived of nutrients, it is stifled
this is what you do to yourself when you choose to feel indebted to others
this is what you do to yourself when you choose to be a ‘nice’ person who is trying to please or impress others
this is what you do to yourself when you choose to try and meet other people’s expectations towards you
this is what you do to yourself when you choose to live up to other people’s ideas and agendas about you
/now replace the word ‘others’& ‘other people’ with ‘ego’
–the idea that the self creates of itself via the others–
and realize: this is indeed something you do to yourself/
to bloom get those weeds handled
stop living in other people’s heads
stop ricocheting around in endless mazes of head-games
get clear and take action