The Dream

Your ego is a strange attractor that anchors looping neurotic patterns (of emotion, thought, behavior) that sustain a sense of you as a somebody.

This moment is all that has ever been. The rest is a random rainbow trip. Consciousness collapses into an ego trip when a perception [of safety/threat, comfort/pressure, success/failure, freedom/trap, acceptance/rejection, appreciation/misjudgement, etc.] triggers a cascade of neurotic patterns across hormonal, myofascial, metabolic, psychological, etc. levels. The ’I’ flares up, the story of ’me’ rekindles and Light slips down the rabbit hole of the personal kaleidoscope. That is to say: Experience collapses into perceptions that in turn trigger neurotic patterns of anxiety, excitement, joy, nervousness, worry, guilt, shame, fixation, avoidance, recoil, fear of loss, of missing out, sense of inadequacy, of inferiority, of unworthiness, melancholy, dejection, compulsion to sustain, preserve and conserve, muscular tension in the gut, in the neck, cortisol spikes, glycogen plummets, etc.

Ego consciousness is an energy vortex with an ever elusive vacuum in the middle surrounded by clouds of cyclic patterns. Reminds me of this: atom_icon2-1030x1030

J e s u s

When people tell me that they don’t understand the things I write/talk about I know that the only reason they don’t get me is that they don’t understand themselves in the first place. When dealing with me some feel confused about me, some feel frustrated by me, some dislike me, some quite like me—but if they cared enough most of them, I think, would be somewhat fascinated by (their idea of) me. Paradoxically, the less separate I feel from them (us) the more separate they seem to feel from me. The less there is of me and the more I loosen & relax into (us as) life they tend to project more and more of their issues onto me. In other words, people relate to people like me exactly the way they relate to life. It’s not personal at all. It’s just weird.

O

I’ve started the practice—the admittedly quaint practice I should say—of looking at people as if I was looking at flowers (partly as a countermeasure to the chronically clingy nature of my strategically aloof personality). Whenever a cute girl, for instance, turns me on and I feel a surge of an urge to pick (up) and possess or at the very least fixate on her from a safe distance I know that in a sense I enact the death of (the spirit in) both of us—as in: (neurotic) attachments retard relations (the dynamic unfolding of authentically relating to self & other): an image of ’her’ and an image of ’me in relation to her’ takes the place of the truth of the volatile moment. By making a mental note of this I manage to curb my fervid enthusiasm.

And gradually it’s starting to dawn on me for real what my spiritual savvy ego-mind has been telling me for a while now: that there really is nothing inside us. Nothing. We are truly empty—plain, hollow forms undulating, just like flowers or blades of grass in the fluctuating flesh of the air—we simply exist. In other words: there is no-one but ’only’ some body to us, we are no-one but some body. There is a subtle but all the more poignant sense of this creeping up on me now that just blows my mind—I wonder what happens when the recognition descends deeper into the heart and the gut: Nobody is special. There is no substance to (the idea of) anyone.

And yet, there is me and there is the emotional attachments plaguing me. There is me and there are the compromising (social, financial, health) conditions of me. There is me and his recognitions—A face grasping against the mystery of its abysmal depthlessness.

How come?

May You Be

Let all (self-imposed) pressure to deliver go.

Let your fac(ad)e crumble and reveal the empty interior.

Let the IMAGEs [opinions, views, thoughts, beliefs, internal commentaries, memories, reminiscences, feelings, facts, etc. about yourself, other people, the world, as well as the attendant sense of guilt, loss, shame, inadequacy, anxiety, inferiority, regress, progress, mission, success, superiority, etc.] that fill in the gaps and contract the flow of perception melt and leak away, and reveal the world again and again—as quickly as they congeal.

Let there be more truth and less fixation.

ADD

This is a quick heads up about an interview over at Daniel Vitalis’ site in which Gábor Máté talks about compulsive tendencies, addictions, ADD and other dysfunctional patterns of behavior we deploy to cope with the overwhelming feelings of separation that modern society nurtures (and instills in us from a very early age). Trauma, in his view, is the act of dissociation from reality to buffer the pain that its experience inflicts. The way out of dysfunction is awareness and a cultivation of presence (=an authentic and transparent way of engaging ourselves, others and the world) and so it’s imperative that we take inventory of all our actions and take ownership of the intent behind them and the actual impact they have on us (and others) when we practice them. Even when we indulge in potentially self-harming practices to escape reality and avoid the primal pain that starts bubbling up to the surface in the present moment the mere willingness to stay with the compulsion to recoil is enough, as he says: all darkness dissipates when you bring the light of awareness shine on it

My Addiction (Is) My Addition [fragments]

I live for recognitions, I am obsessed with seeing through things, I compulsively intellectualize and verbalize the insights I have about my experience; like basketball was once for MJ understanding, discernment, true wisdom (dare I say the Truth) is the lane that I am addicted to explore at the moment

perhaps as a way of compensating for my insecurity about being worthy (?)—without doubt, it must be a general sense of inadequacy that fuels obsession and compulsive behavior

Since quite a while now I have been deeply judgmental of (all) people while at the same time I have felt dull myself, confused, stuck and frustrated: emotionally, sexually, socially, existentially frustrated, and sort of convinced that I needed to convince somehow (subtly) everybody—paradoxically, by way of withdrawing—that I am one of the if not the most special and precious thing in their life they are missing out on, the fear of being missed out on has, in fact, been one of the biggest anxieties that has plagued me (=my mind) for a long time

I guess I have some abandonment issues that play into all of this: I want to be unseen or relate and connect only superficially to prevent being abandoned once again (for real), I want to be unseen or at least engage in a wishy-washy manner to protect myself from being rejected for what I am, and here is, in my view, the crux of the matter: I ’’want’’ to be unseen and that’s why I want so desperately to be seen

So I guess I also have some issues about being smothered too, which compels me to stay elusive and always out of reach, only partially available emotionally so others won’t take advantage and manipulate and guilt me into bonding with escalating sets of strings attached, in fact, this (i.e. feeling smothered) is the side of the equation I identify with the most

Now, the fulcrum on which this two-way doubled-up sentiment [distancing self from others and others from self] turns—namely the sense of separation—still eludes my heart to be honest, but intellectually or intuitively I already know that all the frustration I experience in connection with my self and others stems from this

Clearly, this is plain shadow-play of hide and seek, a sort of push-pull glitch wherein I think I need to prove my worth and earn people’s love by seeing and transcending it all while at the same time I resent and push people away for not seeing much themselves, although I pride myself on being a good listener and well attuned to the vibes of others basically I am impatient with (and disappointed in) people for having the very attitude I have and exercise in relation to them, I feel upset that they are more interested in being seen than seeing

a double edged sword love is one force with two sides, a conditional and an unconditional one, united by the hilt of my conflicted human heart

perhaps this blog itself is also but a manifestation of my agenda to convince and impress (as well as help) others with my intellectual acumen and spiritual prowess whereby the contents I produce showcase my wound and my shadow while, on the other hand, the form, the way I present these contents, showcase my love, indeed what I truly enjoy doing (without attachment) is articulating thoughts and tweaking my formulations until I find the most apposite phrase, I love expressing ideas, there is no hidden motive (to convince or help) there, it’s fun, pure and simple

no wonder it always feels so ambiguous then, on the one hand—seeking to get approval—I feed into the dark side while on the flip side—giving—I let light in, in other words, one side of my heart is based on anxiety—fear—the other on sensuality—love

((…hopefully these juxtaposed fragments—spiraling away as it were from a heartfelt center much like the fuzzy arms of a galaxy—still make some semblance of a cohering sense…nevertheless, there is one more thing I would like to add as qualification, it might seem unnecessary overrefinement but perhaps replacing all the subordinating or ‘causality’ language I use with a sort of coordinating or paratactic one—to emphasize correlation (simultaneity, ’’symptomaticity’’) over causation—would be much more accurate to convey the sense of fissure I am trying to describe here, so instead of {I do X in order to have Y} read: {as I do X there is Y as well}))