Restless

Being caught up in the self-improvement loop is better than indulging self-destructive alternatives. Still, you’re fundamentally operating from restlessness—wherein: Rather than letting the truest impulses find you, you are busy rushing things. Your mind compels you to bulletproof and forcefeed:

  • your ’’brain’’ with knowledge and information
  • your ’’persona’’ with newsletters, updates & feeds on social
  • your muscles and tendons with (over)corrective stretches and excessive exercise
  • your ’’gut’’ with supplements and supposedly nutritious foods
  • your ’’soul’’ with spiritual teachings

Etc.

All too busy deferring and buffering against the very wholeness that you seek.

 

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Who would you be without your battle against yourself? How would you know yourself without a battle against yourself?

Let the fear course through your body, just feel it and keep going. It’s only a fear of silence and a fear of the way that silence moves. Follow the inner direction: ruthlessly and passionately.

Care

We unconsciously seek for it in each other.

I must learn to (psychologically) break up with others from the outset so that I get to meet them for real during our relationship. Fact is, the way I feel emotionally abused by others is one of the ways in which I emotionally abuse others. Indeed, I gets what I gives.

Because we unconsciously seek for it in others.

The instant I feel met by someone I tend to abdicate the truth and give in to the restless impulse, the compulsion to idealize that other and to start demanding from them to fit into the mold, the image that I project about them. I get excited, I begin to fixate. I grow attached as I energetically invest. And I anxiously expect to be taken (in) by the other who I idealize. I dive into the project of securing the perfect host, the womb where I can dwell [against emptiness].

Because I cannot take the idea of alone forever. I wants to be taken. I wants to be held.

Again, it’s a choice between Image/Dream and Truth.

I still hesitate to go with it but I can feel how my spirit intends to secretly love and support, to listen and guide and oversee the life of my people, the faces I’ve faced and have grown so fond of so far.

And so I kind of pray.

Let me let go of them, of her, of me. Let me give up the jig, the scheming. Let me be free of them and let them be free of me. Let me be empty.

Let me see it.

Let this vessel—this aperture, this light, wiry body, this odd amalgam of patterns, this particular cocktail of neuroses, this splendid fountain of thoughts and feelings, this unique flair & style of being—serve by opening now, here, for all.

Because I am here to take care, not merely to partake. I am here to smuggle in the light of consciousness under the guise of my daily activities, at work, at home, and everywhere in the neighbourhood. This is why I go solo and this is why I need plenty of time to rest and to recover. As delicate as I am I am intent on going within so I get to bring some of what I receive back to you out there. I buffer so that I can serve you to the best of my ability. I need to go in before I can go out and engage in a meaningful, productive way. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, sometimes only an hour or so. This is my gift.

And so I pray.

Help me so I can help you.

Support me so I get to support you.

We need each other.

Because we find it in ourselves, together.

Flair

In the past I’ve held the tacit belief that everyone should be like the person I intended to be: someone dedicated to the truth and oriented towards insights, someone emotionally motivated by the excitement of seeing [recurring] patterns and living a deadbeat lifestyle geared towards facilitating this seeing. I wanted to become the ’’transparent eyeball’’ and over the years—in keeping with this aim—everything I was doing turned out to be devoted to keeping a loose, en-lightened frequency of being in good repair—I ended up being a ’frequency holder’ of sorts, responsible for upkeeping, upregulating and bringing a subtler vibration of energy to bear on my dealings with others. Also,  I’ve become obsessed with sharing the treasure of insights I’ve been graced to stumble upon by packaging them in neat wording. I believe in heart-felt wisdom that is borne of transparency and that results in efficacy of being. This is what drives me essentially. The fact that most of my life I’ve felt guilt-ridden about my half-hearted dealings with others as a consequence of this obsession is simply beyond absurd. At long last I realize that I need not take others’ tastes & preferences personally and that I am not responsible for justifying mine any more than others are responsible for justifying theirs. We differ. What makes me tick makes many diss me, and vice versa. We truly are a multifarious bunch in terms of style, rhythm, values, motivations, etc., and this is perfectly OK.

 

 

Authenticity

With transparency you grant permission for self & other to be weirdly unique rather than predictably special, to align with the deeper, authentic impulses rather than the compulsive ones deriving from our collective neurosis.

Siren’s song

So seductive—the temptation to seek solace and validation outside in the ’’other,’’ to indulge in sweet neurosis, to chase the elusive tail of illusion, and feel separate and inadequate, to abandon the truth, to fixate and harbour a clench in the gut, to hide from the dread of utmost solitude.