With transparency you grant permission for self & other to be weirdly unique rather than predictably special, to align with the deeper, authentic impulses rather than the compulsive ones deriving from our collective neurosis.
So seductive—the temptation to seek solace and validation outside in the ’’other,’’ to indulge in sweet neurosis, to chase the elusive tail of illusion, and feel separate and inadequate, to abandon the truth, to fixate and harbour a clench in the gut, to hide from the dread of utmost solitude.
How absurd: the dejected, bitter-sweet joy of being some-one who gets to sneak brief, passing peeks at what I actually am. All my in-sights are but symptoms of a spiritual sickness.
In the past you were open, geared towards the given: to what was coming into [this present moment of] your life in the form of people, relations, new things, new scenes, entranced—feeling orange—no matter what, adrift, drifting with abandon, engaging, and then, somewhere along the way, like each and every one of us, you fell for it, you started fixating on the missing: on what was falling and keeping away from you, you contracted melancholy, you became chronically blue and fear-full, prone to be anxiously grasping and gasping, drifting with worries. Sluggishness overtook, orange turned blue: You became a colder, more constipated you.
It’s a process of progressive letting go. First you manipulate, then you negotiate. First you try to control, then manage. First you want to spare, then share. First identified and attached, then detached. From monologue you switch to dialogue. Etc. And then in the end—when no corner remains for you to cut, hide in or turn to—you shall surrender. You climb the ladder only to experience the slide and you lose hold to realize that there is no ladder there to hold on to.
My own fear is what I hate in you.
Protecting your exclusive viewpoint. Your vantage, that presumed advantage. It feels safe up there, soaring. So reassuring. Looking in from without. Seeing the folly, detached form all of it. Alienated from others involved in it and alienating others, too, from you. Insular. Is that what you truly intend to have given/gotten? Or do you want to ’come down’ after all? Be honest. That is the question: To be you or to be true? To be or to love?