A couple of hours ago I sat down to relax and to see (more clearly the truth of my current situation) and what I saw after 2 hours of squirming and restlessly turning was that what, in effect, I sat down with was an agenda to see. It took me around 2 hours to opt for the truth over the self-induced fit of confusion and frustration. My mind kept flashing images from the past and the potential future to which my body responded in kind and the I felt eager to go into the texture of these sensations to let them resolve themselves. I wanted to spend the time productively and do some healing. Yet again, I sat down to resolve and transcend the internal mess that defines feeble, fallible me. In other words, I didn’t sit down to relax initially, I sat down to struggle rather. Much like in writing these posts where usually there is a hidden agenda that sparks the intent to engage in articulating them—namely the agenda to get past and transcend the weaker version of myself by sharing and thus taking ownership of it—more often than not meditation is abused to the same narcissistic end.
/I wonder, though, if I am still around and decided on a whim to reread these posts in 10+ years from now how will I relate to them? Will I feel embarrassed? Or amused? Or fascinated? Or puzzled? I have no idea. Probably, for better or for worse, I’ll have much less free time on my hands to indulge in chasing my elusive tail like this. Probably the concept of ’transcending me mess’ won’t make much sense either by that time. Who knows. I’ll report back, I guess. But then, all I’m doing here is playing the game of the truth and this is where it’s at right now.
I can spin the wheels as much as I want. I can spin them as intensely as I wish. I can feel cheated, unfairly dealt & treated, victimized and abused. I can argue with the truth of this moment as much as I wish. I can argue that I merit more. I can argue that I deserve better because I’ve put in plenty of effort and I sacrifice a lot more than others. Again, I can spin the wheels as much as I wish. I can dismiss the truth as much as I please. By all means. I can argue with it till the day that I run out of any emotional gas to spin my worn-out wheels in the quicksand of my nonsense, I can. Nay, I can dismiss it till the day I give up that spent ghost of mine. But the fact still remains: till I hold back, and up & out and off & on, life holds back too.
I feels cheated. I feels unfairly dealt & treated. I thinks I merit more and deserve better because I put in more effort and I sacrifice much more. They [socially inept flatmates] spend almost all their time sitting and lying in front of a computer screen, get up around noon, eat all sorts of random stuff and still have bowel movement at least twice a day while here I am ’struggling’ to produce something at intervals of 32 hours at the very best. And yet, unlike valiant, noble me, they haven’t paid their spiritual dues, none whatsoever.
Overall, I feel directionless and a bit confused as well as pretty clueless and deflated and dejected and misjudged and misunderstood and so on. In short, I feel unsure. And so does my body. Constipation reflects a systemic ’uncertainty’ or hesitation in/of the bodymind—It’s a loop, no doubt.
It’s a matter of looseness, really, of the willingness to lose face, status, respect, approval, admiration, support and sympathy. To effectively deconstipate I must go loose, all the way. I gotta go with the truth, not me. Till I go with the image I cherish about meself I’ll hold back around the edges of that image and till I hold back, life holds back. There is no two ways about this and there is only one way to find out about it.
The fact that I have put so much effort into resolving [systemic] constipation may be one step forward but it might at the same time be two steps back as well in that I get more and more frustrated over failing at resolving it. The thing to keep in mind is that it’s not something personal, as it never has been, but more like an unfolding of an ’inherited’ trajectory.
But what a perfect trigger this is. You have no idea. Few things rattle me in (social) life and I rarely if ever feel envious let alone outright agitated by what others have going on for them. But this just takes the cake, my friends: Right on cue, my flatmate has just flushed an effortless fruit of the loo as I’m writing these very lines. The second time today and it’s only 4 pm for duck’s sake. He got up at noon and dropped a slick one right after his morning tea and now after a couple of hours of his late lunch he decided to toy with my poise anew. Man, what else is a deconstipator to feel but destroyed by flatmates like this. 😉
I is afraid that without the compelsory struggle it’ll be left stranded, naked and empty handed. If there remains nothing to grasp, nothing to cling & hold on to and nothing to push away what is the I to do then with its clever hands? Beyond a lifetime of perplexed grappling all that remains is the unconditional act of touching, I guess.
You come into the truth of your being by breaking, by losing, by failing, by falling, by crashing, by hurting, by continually dying. You must crack and you will crack at some point because the loosening up is inevitable. Once you crack the cracking up proceeds—with or without your acknowledgment of it—until all the remaining pieces of the constraining & insulating shell that shielded you at the take-off are jettisoned.
If at the outset of your existential journey you are assigned the task to cut down a tree without the aid of any equipment you would be puzzled for a while, but the solution would soon hit you: I can’t cut it down with my nails so I’ll do the next best thing and dig it out with my hands. So, you start digging with your hands. At first, expectant about the potential prospects beyond the tree, you start out a bit hastily and you end up injuring your fingers repeatedly that forces you to take some time out to recover. Your second realization comes around this point: In order to make sustainable progress I’ll have to go really slow to get the job down. So you throttle down and decide to take your time. Every now and then, you still injure yourself, though, and you’re constrained to bring the tempo further and further down almost to the point of a standstill. It’s immensely frustrating. You are forced to chip away with infinite patience now. But then, halfway through, deep down amid the roots suddenly the third recognition hits you: It’s not necessary at all to get the tree out of the ground. You stop. This is the first time that it ever occurs to you to question the utter absurdity of the whole situation. Just because I’ve been instructed to cut this tree down it doesn’t mean it’s something I must somehow any-how execute. Why on Earth am I actually doing this? You reluctantly climb out of the pit and take a slow, halting look around the scenery of peaceful stillness surrounding you two. You start pulling back the big heap of ground you’ve diligently dredged up, to re-cover the bare, exposed roots of your tree. In the process you second-guess yourself a few times but there is less and less hesitation in your moves. When you finish, exhausted, you fall back on your back and stare, supine & spent, right up at the leaves of the tree. This is the first time you notice the leaves. You listen to them being played upon by the easy wind. Tears start rolling from the corner of your eye. First, they are salty tears of sorrow but soon they turn into sweet tears of joy.
/One day, you’ll get up from your grub like this and sit against the trunk of that tree of yours to spend some quality time under its lush foliage before giving up the ghost. Hopefully.
I as an ego have been (en)trained to fixate on pleasing others and feel ashamed and contract in emotional pain whenever (I (perceive that) I cause some form of (emotional) damage to an other. Yeah: I am absolutely loath to put a dent in youse delicate souls.
The emotional pain I typically feel stems either from a sense of guilt or shame [which compels me to recoil] or a sense of over-excitement [which compels me to grasp] and it functions like a black hole that siphons off my energetic flow (shunting blood sugar and cuing the stress hormones) leading to a crash, an energetic collapse (glycogen plummet), a shutdown of bowel movement and severe exhaustion or even a hangover headache in its aftermath.
Once I recognize that ’I’ ain’t the black hole (& totally bound by the gravitational pull of a self-obsessed ego) but that I am the limitless cosmos that contains it: the energetic see-saw dampens to a gentler, more sustainable swing.
In essence, this recognition comes when I finally come upon [=relax into] the distinction between white noise (aka stillness, true freedom) and noise (the emotional pain triggered by shame, guilt, frustration and the compulsion to struggle).