The kind of situations and conflicts you tend to get involved in, the manner in which you idealize and dote [fixate] on certain types of people and antagonize [diss] certain others reflect the [self-abusive, fear-based] emotions you are addicted to, and tell more about your personal [unresolved] issues than anything else in the world.
At long last I’ve found my best friend. The friend who was always missing in my life. The friend who is the absolute best friend. The friend who is totally reliable, totally honest and totally transparent towards me. The friend who cares for me unconditionally and impersonally without any strings attached. The friend who is not sparing me from any shred of my own bullshit. The friend who is always absolutely there for me. The friend who took forever for me to recognize and who I still feel a bit intimidated by. The friend I still actually feel a bit reluctant to truly engage… because I know that this friend offers the deepest and the harshest kind of intimacy I’ll ever get to experience in my life. Its name is Truth. And the only distance between us is the fear in me.
We unconsciously seek for it in each other.
I must learn to (psychologically) break up with others from the outset so that I get to meet them for real during our relationship. Fact is, the way I feel emotionally abused by others is one of the ways in which I emotionally abuse others. Indeed, I gets what I gives.
Because we unconsciously seek for it in others.
The instant I feel met by someone I tend to abdicate the truth and give in to the restless impulse, the compulsion to idealize that other and to start demanding from them to fit into the mold, the image that I project about them. I get excited, I begin to fixate. I grow attached as I energetically invest. And I anxiously expect to be taken (in) by the other who I idealize. I dive into the project of securing the perfect host, the womb where I can dwell [against emptiness].
Because I cannot take the idea of alone forever. I wants to be taken. I wants to be held.
Again, it’s a choice between Image/Dream and Truth.
I still hesitate to go with it but I can feel how my spirit intends to secretly love and support, to listen and guide and oversee the life of my people, the faces I’ve faced and have grown so fond of so far.
And so I kind of pray.
Let me let go of them, of her, of me. Let me give up the jig, the scheming. Let me be free of them and let them be free of me. Let me be empty.
Let me see it.
Let this vessel—this aperture, this light, wiry body, this odd amalgam of patterns, this particular cocktail of neuroses, this splendid fountain of thoughts and feelings, this unique flair & style of being—serve by opening now, here, for all.
Because I am here to take care, not merely to partake. I am here to smuggle in the light of consciousness under the guise of my daily activities, at work, at home, and everywhere in the neighbourhood. This is why I go solo and this is why I need plenty of time to rest and to recover. As delicate as I am I am intent on going within so I get to bring some of what I receive back to you out there. I buffer so that I can serve you to the best of my ability. I need to go in before I can go out and engage in a meaningful, productive way. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, sometimes only an hour or so. This is my gift.
And so I pray.
Help me so I can help you.
Support me so I get to support you.
We need each other.
Because we find it in ourselves, together.
They’ll want you to win if you want them to win but if you remain unwilling and afraid of winning they’ll resent you for misleading them into believing.
Lost in an endless loop of no resolve. There is nowhere else—only the sheer givenness and the empty essence of it, the maddeningly replete abyss. Day by day by day by day. Why engage? An endless permutation of form, this gyrating kaleidoscope of patterns. Why bother? No answer. And there is no answer because there is no answer. It simply is given. You either take it or you leave it. You either surrender or you grow bitter and brittle.
Surrendering means that you tap into the sap of it—that you make room for the currents of energy running through you and let life bloom full, rather than fixate and stay tormented by the images of your mind—the images that you choose to be tormented by at the expense of the truth of this moment—the truth that all of us at all times share in this very moment, now-here.
I see myself as a human (at)tuner of sorts. I tap into higher frequencies of presence and I expose others to these frequencies through the way I engage with them. I intend to tune others into these subtler frequencies within, to be more present themselves and feel loved and loving as a consequence. Tuning takes time and it takes trust. The stronger the existential momentum one happens to be caught up in the longer it takes to come to a sufficient standstill where true intent arises to orient subsequent actions. It takes time, trust and patience, but the rest takes care of itself. I am there basically to help make room for the deceleration to occur.
Here is a list of some of the (intertwined) practices that I [as an introvert] typically do to cultivate inhabiting subtler frequencies of energy:
- social isolation and minimized distraction (no TV, no news, using the internet and social media once a day for an hour @ the local library)
- sufficient recovery after ’social exertions’ (taking a nap, resting)
- writing (journaling, composing blog posts and bon mots to share online later)
- standing and sitting still (as a way of active meditation)
- humming & singing to myself
- stretching, foam-rolling, rippling and rotating my limbs and my hips in a spiral and wave like fashion, all movement directed from my core, swinging a clubbell occasionally
- listening to monotonous music (Basinski) or a track on an endless loop (e.g. Earth is Gone by Slugabed)
- listening to speeches by Adyashanti, David Deida, Owen Cook
- eating a relatively clean & balanced diet (Ray Peat inspired)
- engaging others mindfully and as authentically ’’as it gets’’ @ work, the shop, the café, social events, etc.
Feel your fear, heed the bitter, sour sounds of your fear, listen to its rumbling voice, follow it to its deepest reaching root, where it actually stems from, ferret out the seed of it and let it shoot into the story, the stalk, your character role, see the unfolding plot, the whole picture of it, spot the projected belief and sniff at the foul fragrance, the strong stench it emits, let it bloom full and drop its petals, one by one, all of those pale blue petals, and then, let it wither, on the spot, and rot.