Hide ‘n Seek Sitting

A couple of hours ago I sat down to relax and to see (more clearly the truth of my current situation) and what I saw after 2 hours of squirming and restlessly turning was that what, in effect, I sat down with was an agenda to see. It took me around 2 hours to opt for the truth over the self-induced fit of confusion and frustration. My mind kept flashing images from the past and the potential future to which my body responded in kind and the I felt eager to go into the texture of these sensations to let them resolve themselves. I wanted to spend the time productively and do some healing. Yet again, I sat down to resolve and transcend the internal mess that defines feeble, fallible me. In other words, I didn’t sit down to relax initially, I sat down to struggle rather. Much like in writing these posts where usually there is a hidden agenda that sparks the intent to engage in articulating them—namely the agenda to get past and transcend the weaker version of myself by sharing and thus taking ownership of it—more often than not meditation is abused to the same narcissistic end.

 

/I wonder, though, if I am still around and decided on a whim to reread these posts in 10+ years from now how will I relate to them? Will I feel embarrassed? Or amused? Or fascinated? Or puzzled? I have no idea. Probably, for better or for worse, I’ll have much less free time on my hands to indulge in chasing my elusive tail like this. Probably the concept of ’transcending me mess’ won’t make much sense either by that time. Who knows. I’ll report back, I guess. But then, all I’m doing here is playing the game of the truth and this is where it’s at right now.

femme

SHE wants to faze me
to see whether SHE can control me
which SHE doesn’t want
but has to make sure SHE cannot
because if SHE sees that SHE can
SHE won’t trust me any more
and the relationship is dead

once SHE sniffs blood
a whiff of insecurity
once you react a bit too strongly
HER purr turns to fury
HER submission snaps into antagonism
and SHE won’t stop
SHE won’t let go, SHE just won’t let up
SHE will keep poking and probing
the Bitch will seek to seep through your cracks
to see you crumble
to expose you for the mealy baby-boy SHE has found out about

what better guru would you need?

tensegrity

tolerance for (awkward) silence is a measure of presence
or facelessness: freedom from the stress of seeking to save face

pressure is not something you put on someone else
it is something you leave them with

for no matter who triggers it:
tension is self-generated & self-inflicted

the one who feels has less (face) to lose
is the one who reacts less

..instead of immediately breaking the silence or fidgeting
(in order to offload the pressure of attention)
the one who is more grounded & centered will leverage tension
to understand & hack social dynamics

tolerance for pressure is a measure of presence

vantage

sometimes on my way home or to work or the market, etc. I deliberately stop myself in my tracks
I check in with myself
are you in a rush again Márk? hurried, bent on, taut?
why?
what happens once you arrive? think about it,
yes,
at home you turn on the computer, cook some dinner,
watch, read, write some stuff
the same old: comfort
nothing special
it takes a beat or two to feel how mindless this is
that’s when I relax
I release the tension & ease into the moment
I slow down, I take it all in
I gain POISE (= comfort in the moment)
the ultimate advantedge 😉