A couple of hours ago I sat down to relax and to see (more clearly the truth of my current situation) and what I saw after 2 hours of squirming and restlessly turning was that what, in effect, I sat down with was an agenda to see. It took me around 2 hours to opt for the truth over the self-induced fit of confusion and frustration. My mind kept flashing images from the past and the potential future to which my body responded in kind and the I felt eager to go into the texture of these sensations to let them resolve themselves. I wanted to spend the time productively and do some healing. Yet again, I sat down to resolve and transcend the internal mess that defines feeble, fallible me. In other words, I didn’t sit down to relax initially, I sat down to struggle rather. Much like in writing these posts where usually there is a hidden agenda that sparks the intent to engage in articulating them—namely the agenda to get past and transcend the weaker version of myself by sharing and thus taking ownership of it—more often than not meditation is abused to the same narcissistic end.
/I wonder, though, if I am still around and decided on a whim to reread these posts in 10+ years from now how will I relate to them? Will I feel embarrassed? Or amused? Or fascinated? Or puzzled? I have no idea. Probably, for better or for worse, I’ll have much less free time on my hands to indulge in chasing my elusive tail like this. Probably the concept of ’transcending me mess’ won’t make much sense either by that time. Who knows. I’ll report back, I guess. But then, all I’m doing here is playing the game of the truth and this is where it’s at right now.
On the personal level am stuck in a loop of constantly trying and falling short. My ego operates according to the logic of STRUGGLE which siphons off all my energy and literally dries up & cannibalizes my body. That’s all that it knows: ’I’ enacts struggle in order to STRUGGLE. This is the loop I has been caught up in and that has [set up] ruined relationships and compromised my metabolic health over the years. Unfortunately (or fortunately) to my body my ego writes checks it can no longer cash. My petite body just cannot sustain the intensity of the massive STRUGGLE it is supposed to manifest. And so there is a lag, a hotbed of symptoms. That’s the main reason why I am forced to give in, to come out of hiding from the truth. For which I’m grateful even if at times it’s painful.
The truth of the matter is: The less I hide the less I am and the less I am the less I STRUGGLE.
The concept of becoming a stronger or even worse the strongest version of yourself is a recipe for disaster, if it’s taken literally. To resolve & transcend the issues that plague one’s messed up persona(lity) is an impossible mission from the get-go. You’ll always manifest your neuroses & hangups until you relate from the vantage & confines of a persona(lity). The only way you can engage in real, ’’healthy’’ & robust energetic transactions with the world and other people is when you relate from your true essence, the impersonal realm beyond or rather in front of your thoughts & feelings; when you relate from in front of your persona(lity), in front of your conditioned, functional & dysfunctional PATTERNS of relating; when you relate from the truth of the moment, that is. That’s the only way. The alternative is but silent struggle.
Do you still feel (the feeling of feeling) terrified when your symptoms flare up? Do you still think there is a (right) way to (do things to) avoid the next episode that is already stalking you?
Are you still fixated on resolving your issues and escaping your symptoms once and for all? Are you still fixated on doing it the right way? Are you still working on the project of transcending the broken version of your self (that is at the mercy of the stressor-ridden contingency called its environment)?
Do you still buy into the idea that it’s not as safe over there as it is over here? Or, in other words, that the world is over there and you are over here?
I is having the sulks. I is paralyzed by the fear of being rejected again. I is afraid of change, of loss, of the impermanence of life. I wants resolution, transcendence. I wants to finally come home. I wants to (re)solve and transcend the messiness of life. I wants guarantees. I wants to be special. I wants to get it right, to live my life in the right way with the right people at the right time in the right place at the right pace. Therefore, I needs to improve constantly to become more and more aligned and functional and sexy and happy and adjusted.
It’s all happening on its own accord—with or without me. Everything is but an echo. There is life as it blooms in this moment and there is the echoes in my mind that cloud it. There is no escaping the messiness of it. There is no right or wrong here. There is only this moment as it is—with or without me.
How ironic. I tell others how important it is to keep track of our actions and reactions (or wobbles) in all our interactions so that we learn more about ourselves and others and that way achieve a true(r) communion. And then I think about all the invitations I’ve turned down over the years. I think of all the opportunities I’ve shot down, all the openings to engage others on more intimate terms that I’ve turned away from. When I ask myself why, the idea that comes up is freedom. Keeping my freedom and privacy as much uncontaminated as possible—that seems to be the crux of my shtick. Ironic, I think. More than probably it’s the very attempt to keep my freedom that generates the sense of it being under threat and as a result the bulk of my wobbles. Admittedly, I invest lots of energy to buffer and maintain a distance because without it, without keeping solid personal boundaries I feel suffocated. Suffocated by what?—you probably ask. Aren’t you suffocated by your own buffering?
To which I would answer that I feel suffocated by the emotional demands imposed upon me. What emotional demands?
That I must reciprocate even at the expense of my own genuine impulses. What ’genuine’ impulses?
Impulses the don’t necessarily mesh with what others need from me. Is that really such a huge problem?—you retort—Do things have to be perfect? And more importantly, aren’t you fixated on your ’’wobbles’’ precisely because you wish to avoid or somehow resolve them in the first place?
Clearly, I make a huge deal out of inter-actions. Perhaps because (like all of us) I trained myself to believe (from an early age) that it’s a serious game with serious consequences which means that once I go in I’ll lose (most of) my freedom to be and live as I please—at least, based on what I’ve experienced so far. This prospect feels quite frightening to me. Hence the fixation. Somewhere there is a fear of failure buried in all this I guess, which implies that I buy into the idea of success as well: the idea that I can do it the right way with the right people at the right time, etc.—the perfect recipe for paralysis, isn’t it. If there is the right way then there is the wrong way too which I can only avoid by making sure that I find the right way which, of course, doesn’t exist outside wishful thinking. There are only different ways which I deem right or wrong on the go.
So this is it, I think: I’m terrified of the constantly shape-shifting field of life in which I’m just your next blade of grass. There is nothing that stays. Everything strays. So why not do it anyway then? If there is nothing to lose, if there’s nothing that matters after all, why not go in all the way? How elegant—you taunt—to deal with impermanence & separation you resort to shutting down. If you can’t get it all you don’t want any of it then!Classic case of having the sulks.
True, instead of freedom all I manage to keep is a distance, a sense of separateness and anxiety about impermanence—the source of all my (inter)personal issues. When I talk about the importance of transparency (to self (first) and (then) others) it’s because I’m struggling with it. I want resolution, an escape from incompleteness. I want to figure out & transcend the messiness of it. At bottom, I just want to be someone special.
In posts like this, all I’m basically doing is broadcasting my personal process. What I talk about is only relevant to me, but at least, those of me who resonate may benefit too. By speaking out, I give reassurance, I validate parts of our madness.
From an abstract distance, it seems that each one of us is involved in some kind of a loop, an existential loop of our own making, a reality tunnel (as they say) that makes total sense (to us) on the inside but not so much (to the others) on the outside. Everything that is true is real but not everything that is real is true.