I see myself as a human (at)tuner of sorts. I tap into higher frequencies of presence and I expose others to these frequencies through the way I engage with them. I intend to tune others into these subtler frequencies within, to be more present themselves and feel loved and loving as a consequence. Tuning takes time and it takes trust. The stronger the existential momentum one happens to be caught up in the longer it takes to come to a sufficient standstill where true intent arises to orient subsequent actions. It takes time, trust and patience, but the rest takes care of itself. I am there basically to help make room for the deceleration to occur.
Here is a list of some of the (intertwined) practices that I [as an introvert] typically do to cultivate inhabiting subtler frequencies of energy:
social isolation and minimized distraction (no TV, no news, using the internet and social media once a day for an hour @ the local library)
sufficient recovery after ’social exertions’ (taking a nap, resting)
writing (journaling, composing blog posts and bon mots to share online later)
standing and sitting still (as a way of active meditation)
humming & singing to myself
stretching, foam-rolling, rippling and rotating my limbs and my hips in a spiral and wave like fashion, all movement directed from my core, swinging a clubbell occasionally
listening to monotonous music (Basinski) or a track on an endless loop (e.g. Earth is Gone by Slugabed)
listening to speeches by Adyashanti, David Deida, Owen Cook
eating a relatively clean & balanced diet (Ray Peat inspired)
engaging others mindfully and as authentically ’’as it gets’’ @ work, the shop, the café, social events, etc.
Constantly chasing—by patiently waiting for—insights to pop up—insights into psychology, into patterns of inter-, intra- and transpersonal dynamics—is as much a symptom of a mental sickness as falling in love is. Am guilty of indulging in recurring bouts of both. Every form of obsession and fixation is borne of a state of dis-ease. But then, I guess, dis-ease is a natural state of the human condition. Am as good a specimen as it gets.
A couple of hours ago I sat down to relax and to see (more clearly the truth of my current situation) and what I saw after 2 hours of squirming and restlessly turning was that what, in effect, I sat down with was an agenda to see. It took me around 2 hours to opt for the truth over the self-induced fit of confusion and frustration. My mind kept flashing images from the past and the potential future to which my body responded in kind and the I felt eager to go into the texture of these sensations to let them resolve themselves. I wanted to spend the time productively and do some healing. Yet again, I sat down to resolve and transcend the internal mess that defines feeble, fallible me. In other words, I didn’t sit down to relax initially, I sat down to struggle rather. Much like in writing these posts where usually there is a hidden agenda that sparks the intent to engage in articulating them—namely the agenda to get past and transcend the weaker version of myself by sharing and thus taking ownership of it—more often than not meditation is abused to the same narcissistic end.
/I wonder, though, if I am still around and decided on a whim to reread these posts in 10+ years from now how will I relate to them? Will I feel embarrassed? Or amused? Or fascinated? Or puzzled? I have no idea. Probably, for better or for worse, I’ll have much less free time on my hands to indulge in chasing my elusive tail like this. Probably the concept of ’transcending me mess’ won’t make much sense either by that time. Who knows. I’ll report back, I guess. But then, all I’m doing here is playing the game of the truth and this is where it’s at right now.
On the personal level am stuck in a loop of constantly trying and falling short. My ego operates according to the logic of STRUGGLE which siphons off all my energy and literally dries up & cannibalizes my body. That’s all that it knows: ’I’ enacts struggle in order to STRUGGLE. This is the loop I has been caught up in and that has [set up] ruined relationships and compromised my metabolic health over the years. Unfortunately (or fortunately) to my body my ego writes checks it can no longer cash. My petite body just cannot sustain the intensity of the massive STRUGGLE it is supposed to manifest. And so there is a lag, a hotbed of symptoms. That’s the main reason why I am forced to give in, to come out of hiding from the truth. For which I’m grateful even if at times it’s painful.
The truth of the matter is: The less I hide the less I am and the less I am the less I STRUGGLE.
The concept of becoming a stronger or even worse the strongest version of yourself is a recipe for disaster, if it’s taken literally. To resolve & transcend the issues that plague one’s messed up persona(lity) is an impossible mission from the get-go. You’ll always manifest your neuroses & hangups until you relate from the vantage & confines of a persona(lity). The only way you can engage in real, ’’healthy’’ & robust energetic transactions with the world and other people is when you relate from your true essence, the impersonal realm beyond or rather in front of your thoughts & feelings; when you relate from in front of your persona(lity), in front of your conditioned, functional & dysfunctional PATTERNS of relating; when you relate from the truth of the moment, that is. That’s the only way. The alternative is but silent struggle.
Do you still feel (the feeling of feeling) terrified when your symptoms flare up? Do you still think there is a (right) way to (do things to) avoid the next episode that is already stalking you?
Are you still fixated on resolving your issues and escaping your symptoms once and for all? Are you still fixated on doing it the right way? Are you still working on the project of transcending the broken version of your self (that is at the mercy of the stressor-ridden contingency called its environment)?
Do you still buy into the idea that it’s not as safe over there as it is over here? Or, in other words, that the world is over there and you are over here?