Social Anxiety

Other people are hell only so long as you keep chasing and being haunted by the phantoms that they trigger in you. The slightest sense of guilt or shame or anxiety signals the fact that you’ve resorted to indulge fantasy. The moment you cease buying into your thoughts and your emotions your struggle with others ends too.

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Revolution

Have compassion for the corrupt leaders you judge: see yourself in them first. See the monster within—the inner Gollam, the compulsion to compensate for the pain of withheld love—before you address and seek to redress any of their abusive malpractice in effect. You must understand locally any rationale to control, reign and dominate (globally): that it all stems from a misunderstanding that fuels fears which in turn nurture the monster within.

Care

We unconsciously seek for it in each other.

I must learn to (psychologically) break up with others from the outset so that I get to meet them for real during our relationship. Fact is, the way I feel emotionally abused by others is one of the ways in which I emotionally abuse others. Indeed, I gets what I gives.

Because we unconsciously seek for it in others.

The instant I feel met by someone I tend to abdicate the truth and give in to the restless impulse, the compulsion to idealize that other and to start demanding from them to fit into the mold, the image that I project about them. I get excited, I begin to fixate. I grow attached as I energetically invest. And I anxiously expect to be taken (in) by the other who I idealize. I dive into the project of securing the perfect host, the womb where I can dwell [against emptiness].

Because I cannot take the idea of alone forever. I wants to be taken. I wants to be held.

Again, it’s a choice between Image/Dream and Truth.

I still hesitate to go with it but I can feel how my spirit intends to secretly love and support, to listen and guide and oversee the life of my people, the faces I’ve faced and have grown so fond of so far.

And so I kind of pray.

Let me let go of them, of her, of me. Let me give up the jig, the scheming. Let me be free of them and let them be free of me. Let me be empty.

Let me see it.

Let this vessel—this aperture, this light, wiry body, this odd amalgam of patterns, this particular cocktail of neuroses, this splendid fountain of thoughts and feelings, this unique flair & style of being—serve by opening now, here, for all.

Because I am here to take care, not merely to partake. I am here to smuggle in the light of consciousness under the guise of my daily activities, at work, at home, and everywhere in the neighbourhood. This is why I go solo and this is why I need plenty of time to rest and to recover. As delicate as I am I am intent on going within so I get to bring some of what I receive back to you out there. I buffer so that I can serve you to the best of my ability. I need to go in before I can go out and engage in a meaningful, productive way. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, sometimes only an hour or so. This is my gift.

And so I pray.

Help me so I can help you.

Support me so I get to support you.

We need each other.

Because we find it in ourselves, together.

Love

Once you realize that all that they need is presence and all that you can give is your presence and all that you can get is their presence in return, you cease seeking to convince and be met and seen by others. You begin to listen, to connect, for real.

Play Ball

Overt or covert, think of all conflicts in terms of an image, the image of passing a ball—like a seething, scathing (wrecking) ball of bitter resentment that she swings at you at full tilt expecting you to contract and try and somehow deflect its stinging impact—that she shoots to retaliate and some way redress the hurt your ease triggers in her bitter, uneasy persona. Now, instead of deflecting or quickly passing her hot potato back in recoil you simply ’’collect’’ her ball of fit in the cup of your hand and hand it back to her—taking her personal attack impersonal: Why do you still work here if there is so much emotional pain built up in you?—you ask. This surely will raise more of her ire and result in an even more vicious attack but, again, you catch her ball of fury gently in your hand and hand it back for her to (be)hold. And you keep doing this until she resolves to drop it altogether. Have fun, my friend. Cultivate the tai-chi of Creactiveness until you reach the master level of UU (Usually Unfazed).

Catalyst

If you feel like the proverbial monkey wrench thrown into the machine after relocating to a new scene of living—injecting an interruption into the stilted interpersonal patterns of the place—it’s a good sign that you’re on the right track. Sometimes some of us are meant to bring a breath of fresh air for some of us who are meant to be the building blocks in the wall of a community.