Take nothing at face value. See through the sur-face. See through the ripples. Rest with the truth of this moment. No matter the content it’s the context of your engagements that manifests in your experience. No matter their content it’s the context of your comments that determines the interpersonal trajectories involving you.
See through the bitchiness of women, see through the antagonism of colleagues, see through the heavy moods of loved ones, see through their trans-generational, trauma-induced compulsions to hurt and feel hurt, see through the ingratiating comments of your fans, see through your adverse and elated reactions—feel them, embrace them, fully, rest in them, struggle with ease—nothing’s a big deal.
How ironic. I tell others how important it is to keep track of our actions and reactions (or wobbles) in all our interactions so that we learn more about ourselves and others and that way achieve a true(r) communion. And then I think about all the invitations I’ve turned down over the years. I think of all the opportunities I’ve shot down, all the openings to engage others on more intimate terms that I’ve turned away from. When I ask myself why, the idea that comes up is freedom. Keeping my freedom and privacy as much uncontaminated as possible—that seems to be the crux of my shtick. Ironic, I think. More than probably it’s the very attempt to keep my freedom that generates the sense of it being under threat and as a result the bulk of my wobbles. Admittedly, I invest lots of energy to buffer and maintain a distance because without it, without keeping solid personal boundaries I feel suffocated. Suffocated by what?—you probably ask. Aren’t you suffocated by your own buffering?
To which I would answer that I feel suffocated by the emotional demands imposed upon me. What emotional demands?
That I must reciprocate even at the expense of my own genuine impulses. What ’genuine’ impulses?
Impulses the don’t necessarily mesh with what others need from me. Is that really such a huge problem?—you retort—Do things have to be perfect? And more importantly, aren’t you fixated on your ’’wobbles’’ precisely because you wish to avoid or somehow resolve them in the first place?
Clearly, I make a huge deal out of inter-actions. Perhaps because (like all of us) I trained myself to believe (from an early age) that it’s a serious game with serious consequences which means that once I go in I’ll lose (most of) my freedom to be and live as I please—at least, based on what I’ve experienced so far. This prospect feels quite frightening to me. Hence the fixation. Somewhere there is a fear of failure buried in all this I guess, which implies that I buy into the idea of success as well: the idea that I can do it the right way with the right people at the right time, etc.—the perfect recipe for paralysis, isn’t it. If there is the right way then there is the wrong way too which I can only avoid by making sure that I find the right way which, of course, doesn’t exist outside wishful thinking. There are only different ways which I deem right or wrong on the go.
So this is it, I think: I’m terrified of the constantly shape-shifting field of life in which I’m just your next blade of grass. There is nothing that stays. Everything strays. So why not do it anyway then? If there is nothing to lose, if there’s nothing that matters after all, why not go in all the way? How elegant—you taunt—to deal with impermanence & separation you resort to shutting down. If you can’t get it all you don’t want any of it then!Classic case of having the sulks.
True, instead of freedom all I manage to keep is a distance, a sense of separateness and anxiety about impermanence—the source of all my (inter)personal issues. When I talk about the importance of transparency (to self (first) and (then) others) it’s because I’m struggling with it. I want resolution, an escape from incompleteness. I want to figure out & transcend the messiness of it. At bottom, I just want to be someone special.
In posts like this, all I’m basically doing is broadcasting my personal process. What I talk about is only relevant to me, but at least, those of me who resonate may benefit too. By speaking out, I give reassurance, I validate parts of our madness.
From an abstract distance, it seems that each one of us is involved in some kind of a loop, an existential loop of our own making, a reality tunnel (as they say) that makes total sense (to us) on the inside but not so much (to the others) on the outside. Everything that is true is real but not everything that is real is true.
“The new chatter puts us somewhere in between, assuaging fears of being alone without risking real connection. It is a shallow between two deeper zones, a safe spot between the dangers of contact with ourselves, with others”
“A restlessness has seized hold of many of us, a sense that we should be doing something else, no matter what we are doing, or doing at least two things at once, or going to check some other medium. It’s an anxiety about keeping up, about not being left out or getting behind”