An examined life is not worth living. True appreciation and relish of life comes from relaxation.
A couple of hours ago I sat down to relax and to see (more clearly the truth of my current situation) and what I saw after 2 hours of squirming and restlessly turning was that what, in effect, I sat down with was an agenda to see. It took me around 2 hours to opt for the truth over the self-induced fit of confusion and frustration. My mind kept flashing images from the past and the potential future to which my body responded in kind and the I felt eager to go into the texture of these sensations to let them resolve themselves. I wanted to spend the time productively and do some healing. Yet again, I sat down to resolve and transcend the internal mess that defines feeble, fallible me. In other words, I didn’t sit down to relax initially, I sat down to struggle rather. Much like in writing these posts where usually there is a hidden agenda that sparks the intent to engage in articulating them—namely the agenda to get past and transcend the weaker version of myself by sharing and thus taking ownership of it—more often than not meditation is abused to the same narcissistic end.
/I wonder, though, if I am still around and decided on a whim to reread these posts in 10+ years from now how will I relate to them? Will I feel embarrassed? Or amused? Or fascinated? Or puzzled? I have no idea. Probably, for better or for worse, I’ll have much less free time on my hands to indulge in chasing my elusive tail like this. Probably the concept of ’transcending me mess’ won’t make much sense either by that time. Who knows. I’ll report back, I guess. But then, all I’m doing here is playing the game of the truth and this is where it’s at right now.
When people tell me that they don’t understand the things I write/talk about I know that the only reason they don’t get me is that they don’t understand themselves in the first place. When dealing with me some feel confused about me, some feel frustrated by me, some dislike me, some quite like me—but if they cared enough most of them, I think, would be somewhat fascinated by (their idea of) me. Paradoxically, the less separate I feel from them (us) the more separate they seem to feel from me. The less there is of me and the more I loosen & relax into (us as) life they tend to project more and more of their issues onto me. In other words, people relate to people like me exactly the way they relate to life. It’s not personal at all. It’s just weird.
The process of harmonization goes hand in hand with the development of sensitivity. If you start listening, for instance, to the nutritional needs and (pseudo)allergic reactions of your body you’ll inevitably become more sensitive to foods. The body is a powerful probe. Use it with ease. Or else… you’ll miss the mark. (As in: alignment gone awry. Srsly.)
How does your body move when you sink into its silence?—Mine does some micro-shudders around my neck and shoulders lately.
There is always the choice between going with the TRUTH or HOLDING BACK (aka feeding into the fearful ego). When a girl arouses you and you feel like engaging her but hold back instead (to maintain your cool and not risk losing face while hoping for her to initiate) you deny the TRUTH and more importantly you refuse to GIVE her BACK the GIFT that she is giving you by her arousing presence in that moment. Her presence triggers a SPARK in you that can be shared (instead of trying to keep your ego spared). Of course, it’s not necessary at all to do so especially when yo ain’t single, but that can be your truest gift to her: giving back the spark that SHE triggers in you by telling her how she makes you feel (inside and out)—no agenda, no pressure, no demands, no strings attached. Embodying the jolt of the moment. Aligning with the truth and sharing it. She will either appreciate it or she will react out of her own fearful ego and reject or even try and humiliate you. Both ways are OK since it is the truth that she responds to. Nothing is ever personal. If there is a SPARK it is your privilege as a man to initiate engaging her and it is her privilege as a woman to either receive or reject your truthful thrust. For this you must keep your poise and be grounded in your gut, engaging her from the truth of the moment—steering clear of the images the scheming ego automatically starts projecting. If she resorts to playing games with you she is doing so out of frustration over your failing to stay true to her and the truth of the moment. Simple as that. Now go and harass her ass. See where it goes…
There is no point to it and there is no meaning of it. There is nothing inherent about it. There is only the resplendent truth of it and our (personal) relationship to the truth of it.